


Finding a way forward

by Alexasnow



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Anger, Angst, F/M, Fear, Mild Language, Smut, Three POV's, Violence, does not follow games sequence of events
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-24
Updated: 2017-11-04
Packaged: 2018-05-28 20:40:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 30,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6344368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexasnow/pseuds/Alexasnow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Before you read, I will mention this piece will switch between three points of view. Marian Hawke, Fenris and Anders.</p><p>Fenris, and Marian had been growing closer. But it seems that of late Fenris has been harsh, cold and prickly, and now has called Hawke to his mansion for a word. Hawke is left to wonder what is going on?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. We need to talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Editing each chapter thanks to my new beta, who is very helpful and supportive. I appreciate and welcome their help.

Fenris had asked to see me, but had been rather evasive as to the reason for this meeting, only that I should come alone.

I was weary. He had been travelling with us for some time now, and I had seen many sides to him. He had a burning rage that followed him like a dark shadow, yet, he managed to surprise me time and again with his more gentle side when I least expected it or with sincere apologies that stood in stark contrast to his sometimes harsh outbursts I frequently bore the brunt of. His pain was palpable which often left me feeling unable to remain angry at him, it disarmed me even at times when I wanted to hate him.  

His disgust of mages had shaken me the most as magic ran in my family. This blatant unrelenting hatred toward magic and anything connected to it left me with a lingering doubt. I felt concerned, as I had secrets I had yet to divulge and maybe now would be the time but I feared his reaction. Fenris was the only member of our group I felt utterly confused about and with. When I thought of him I felt my mind awash with so many questions and desires that it left me feeling so lost as to what I wanted to say to him. So often I found myself being sarcastic at the worst moments, it was safer than admitting my feelings. To be vulnerable was dangerous and I had learnt that lesson many times but I still found myself always seeking out his company.

I climbed the steps slowly. He had seemed antsy of late. Maybe he wanted to leave, move on to greater things. Why did that thought suddenly bring on a wave of fear? I was forced to gasp for air. I thought we were friends. We talked often, and he had opened up to me. I felt honoured that he felt safe enough with me to tell me about his past. But he had also mentioned being unsure about how to make a life for himself. So I never felt sure about where I stood him. If he was leaving he could have said something before now.

By the time I reached Fenris’s mansion door, I was simmering up a rage, to give him a piece of my mind. How dare he abandon me?

_Wait. What did I just think that for?_

I shook my head. Obviously, I was confused. Things had been very hectic, and traumatic of late. I was just suffering from that. That had to be it.

I knocked on the door. Fenris seemed more than nervous as he opened it. His hand was shaking upon the handle, his armoured glove scratching at the wooden frame. His eyes caught mine and there was a long moment of silence in which I could hear his hold on the wood tightening creating an incessant scratching and creaking sound, it put me on edge. It felt like an age before he moved and I could tell it took some effort on his part to release his hold before he finally guided me in. The silence continued and did nothing for my nerves. By the time I sat down, I was too restless to remain still, so I sprang back up, paced for a moment before beginning, “Look, if you wish to leave, I.. **.** ”

His eyebrow rose quizzically before his brow furrowed. He looked confused.

“Is that not why you called me here?” I pressed, at a loss, and now curious as to the real agenda.

“No, not at all **.** Isabella told me something rather odd,” he began in his deep gravely voice. The things that voice did to me…

I wiped the starry-eyed look from my face and tried to concentrate on his words.

“I can obviously not take her at her word, as you know how she is, but she said you had a thing for elves, then mentioned something about you always looking in my direction.” He laughed nervously.

I tried to hide my reaction, but my wide eyes and comical flush about my cheeks were obvious. I avoided eye contact until the heat within my cheeks lessened, and my ability to form words returned. I looked over to Fenris, his handsome face sporting a wry grin.

“What?” I was forced to ask, as he did not say anything. His smile just grew wider,  until it reached his eyes. Gentle wrinkles formed at the corners, and his eyes lit up.

 _He should smile more often,_ I thought. _It suits him._

At a loss for words and confidence, I repeated my thoughts. “You should smile more. It suits you.”

My words punctuated the expansive silence. He pulled up to meet me standing before the fireplace. He took my wrist, and somehow we knew the motions: He stepped closer, I leaned into him, tilting my head, his free hand taking to the small of my back, working over the threadbare material of my shirt, tickling the skin upon my neck, his hand taking a gentle hold, while running through my hair, pulling me to him, after a long, intense stare. I was filled with anticipation for his lips to finally meet mine. I had not realized I desired him so. I had not allowed my mind to go there, as it both thrilled and frightened me as he drew ever closer. His breath warming my lips, I was alive with need as he held me still in this sweet torturous embrace, pressed against him, our lips inches apart. He finally ended the torture, with a tender, searching tongue, tracing the line of my lips, tasting me before he finally took me to him. A savage passion I was unaware he felt for me, his hungry and forceful kiss spoke of long-held back desire. He sucked gently on my bottom lip, before resuming the kiss, our lips taking to each other’s softly but no less urgent. I hummed with arousal (no comma) as a familiar throbbing between my legs came to my awareness when he groaned deeply into my mouth. He broke the kiss suddenly, breathless, releasing me.

“I have been far too forward. Please forgive me, Marian.”

He tore out of the room. I wanted to follow him but my knees were weak, and I felt lost for words. That had been the most amazing kiss of my life, and this was not the end to the evening that I had expected.

I sighed heavily, feeling a crushing sense of disappointment from him leaving. I was also disappointed in myself. I wanted to go back to only moments ago and ask him to stay. Maker knows if it would have made a difference, but I wished I had said something, anything, instead of standing there dumbfounded, tears forming in my eyes, and my mouth agape like a fool.


	2. I am doing this for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris realizes he needs to find a way to move forward, will Marian feel left behind?

I felt a fool for letting my fears get the best of me, and the look upon her face as I left was difficult to bare, and it tormented me with every step I took away from her, but I had to do this. She would realize I did this for myself and for her, I could offer her nothing as a slave, but as a free man I could give her and myself the life we deserved. I searched out Isabella, I hated to call upon her for a favor, as I knew how it would play out, I groaned in frustration, but this couldnt be avoided. I found her in the hanged man, propping up the bar, eyeing up the crowd, when her eyes set upon me, they lit up with a predatory glint, she swaggered over to me. Her proximity forced me to step back, I forced a smile as I asked her to aid me, she replied in her usual brash and lewd manner "oh, what do I get in return?" She eyed me.

Do not get me wrong she was a beautiful woman, the only reason I found it detestable was because she knew Marian cared for me, and I her, against all odds. I had so tried to push Marian away, I had tried all usual methods, but she remained, her gentle eyes imploring me, infuriatingly understanding and kind. I had never gotten the reactions I hoped for, every icy stare I gave, and each time I snapped at her, was met with either sadness, or determination, any time I brought forth that broken look, I only succeed in wounding myself in the process.

I responded to Isabela the way I always did "my eternal gratitude, is that not enough?" I grimaced.

She fluttered her eye lashes, and leaned forward at an awkward angle, to give me a better view. I forced my eyes to meet hers, and this succeed in annoying her, this amused me no end. 

"Fine you will need coin to make the journey" she sighed.

With her willing to help me, I only need talk to Marian, I rushed off calling back a good bye, I heard her cry "we will be leaving within the hour"

That did not give much time, I rushed toward Hawke's residence, I had to speak to her before I lost my nerve, but when I got there, I knocked expectantly.

Every minute of silence that passed my heart sunk further. Her dwarven friends were not even here to leave a message with, they were reliable. "Damn"

I rushed toward any of the places she might go, the places she had told me about that she often went to think, and each time I found her usual perch empty. Time was growing short, and I needed her to know why I had turned away, and why I was leaving. I began to become frenzied as I couldn't find a single member of the group. So I forced myself to go to the last place I wanted to go, but I knew how close they were. I found myself in dark town, wishing to see anyone else along the way, but no I would be forced to relay a message to Anders, and I didn't trust him.

I was visibly disappointed to find him, and him alone in his clinic. I knew the man did good things for the people of this city, but I did not appreciate his methods, magic was a dangerous gift, and he himself already possessed, and blind to the dangers. He couldn't see how he could turn upon us at any moment, whether it be through intent or not.

"What?" He growled upon seeing me, the distaste mutual.

"Look, I did not want to have to speak to you, anymore than you want me here. But I need you pass a message to Marian, tell her I leave for her, not because of her, I will give her the life she deserves, can you please do this for me?" I strained to beg this man for this favor, but I bore the bile it brought to my throat for her.

"Are you begging me Fenris?" His eyes lit up, and his smile cruel. 

"Whatever it takes to get you to pass on the message" I gritted my teeth, and forced what I am sure was a frightful smile.

"Fine, I will whatever gets you out of here faster" he replied glibly.

I now had little time to return to the docks to join Isabela, I still charged through the streets hoping I might see her face, tell her myself. I did not want the image of her tearful eyes and shocked expression to be the last image I took with me.

As the dock drew into view, I felt a nausea take me, and it was not sea sickness. I looked back desperately, wanting her to somehow be there. Isabela's words cut through me "we have to go now, or the weather will not remain on our side, the sea is a fickle mistress"

I turned, sighing heavily I stepped aboard with no idea as to whether we would find anything, but I had to try.

"So I think you may have better luck tracking down your sister than Danarius" Isabel offered as I was lost in thought.

"Why would I want to find her?" I grumbled, I did not have a family, so why should I seek her out I wondered.

"Well you said yourself if Hadriana knew about her as would Danarius, so to find her might lead to what you seek"

"That is quite logical, but what would I say to someone I do not remember" I stressed, wondering how strange it would be to be faced with someone who has been wiped clean from my mind, but I was supposed to feel a bond with.

"You could say hello, and just see were it goes" she offered.

"It's that simple, why didn't I think of that" I scoffed.

"Well would you rather scowl at her, and brood in silence" 

"Well yes that would be preferable" I joked.

"Did you just tell a joke Fenris? Well there maybe hope for you yet" she laughed heartily. 

I smiled awkwardly, and wondered the deck, the cool wind teasing at my hair, the clear air filling my lungs. I wondered to the bow, hoping to avoid more innuendo laden banter. I looked out to the now expansive sea, allowing myself a small hope, a hope that I could finally move forward, and move forward with her. 

I hoped Anders would be true to his word, but a fear creeping up within me told me that he would not, and Hawke would think I abandoned her. If only I had learnt to write, I scowled at the memory of not being afforded any kind of knowledge, or to learn basics beyond my masters needs. The memories of the ill treatment at his hands boiled my blood, how that nightmare held me back, well I would ensure that it did no longer.

I found my fingers digging deep into the wood, splinters shredding my skin, so strong was this anger, that I had no hope of a normal relationship until I resolved this. I was now more adamant to my course, I would not suffer at the hands of this rage for the rest of my days, nor would I allow Hawke to suffer it, I had to find a way passed it, so I could love her the way I wanted to, the way she deserved.


	3. Holding back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anders receives a visit from Hawke, will he tell her what he knows?

I had not given a second thought to Fenris's earlier outburst, I had taken to my work, aiding as many people as I could. It was only when Marian walked in with a lost look upon her face that I recalled his words, and the sincerity ringing within them. She wondered over to me taking a seat upon an empty sick bed, her eyes cast down, her shoulders low. I knew I could cheer her up, I could guess what pained her, but I remained silent, and I told myself it was for her own good, that someone so closed minded would only end up hurting her. He spoke of unchecked magic as if it was the only danger in this world, his anger was certainly a match for any abomination. So I convinced myself she was better off with out him, so I wondered over to her, and acted naive to her suffering, which went against the healer in me, but better to spare her greater pain later, when he turned upon her.

I settled in next to her, and pressed my hand gently upon her shoulder “What is it?”

She did not say a word, she just took her arms to my waist, and sobbed silently. Her shoulders shook with the rest of her as she heaved. I pulled her to me, wrapping my arms around her, offering the comfort I was willing to give. Taking my hand to her soft hair, I ran my fingers through her locks, grazing her skin with my fingertips. I felt a spark rush throughout my body, the contact so brief, I dismissed it off hand, and nuzzled my head to hers. I held her like this for a time, she slowly began to untangle herself from me. The cold chill that followed her releasing me made me shiver, I wanted her to stay in that embrace, minus the tears, just having her close was a comfort to me.

She pulled up, and paced momentarily, she wrinkled her nose in a manner I found endearing, I continued to observe her. She huffed, turning a sharp glance to me, realizing her stare was harsh, her expression softened and she sighed, then she asked me clearly “Did he say anything to you?” her eyes hopeful.

“Who?” I continued the charade, I was doing such a great job acting, I was almost convincing myself.

“Fenris, I know you don't much care for each other, but I was hoping he said something to someone”

“Why would he come to me?” I scoffed.

She looked crushed by my reply, the light in her eyes faded, I felt a stab of guilt, my conscience kept bringing back Fenris's plea, I forced his words away with great difficulty. 

“I know I was a fool to hope, he is gone Anders, he left, without a word” her voice cracked with emotion.

I closed my eyes, not wanting to witness her pain, but I was forced to open them again. And I gave my first genuine response “I am sorry, I hate to see you like this” 

“I will be fine” she stated hastily, her expression betraying her words, she would be in time, but in this moment, she was before someone meant to be her friend, asking only for honesty, and I could not, and would not give it to her. I did not approve of their relationship, I did not know what she saw in him, he was in my experience an ass, and I felt she deserved better, and in order to move on she had to let him go, she could not cling to false hope, so I would give her none to cling to.

“Help me in the clinic tonight, it will take your mind off your troubles, and we can do some good” I offered, she half smiled, nodding, pulling up her sleeves, and smoothing her hair from her face, she looked determined.

It was a busy night in the clinic as the gangs were up to their usual tricks, muggings, and attacks a plenty, thankfully we were able to render aid to the many that passed through those doors, we mended bones, bruises and cuts. And by the end of the rush, Hawke looked as if it had mended her as well, if not completely mended, her spirits were lifted, she smiled with greater ease, and her posture straightened, the world was no longer on her shoulders, she had done something. She smiled, and embraced me suddenly “Thank you Anders, you always know how to cheer me up”

I took my arms around her, and squeezed her gently, unintentionally pressing her to me. Her breasts pressed against my chest, began to put ideas into my head, making me want to drop my hands to her waist, I stopped myself before my mind got carried away. Loosening my grip so she could move back, I smiled weakly. She didn't stay long after, as she wondered away I found myself daydreaming, I was just getting to the good part, when someone startled me free of the moment our lips were about to meet, I grumbled, refocusing. Looking up to see a fellow mage, “Anders, the templar's are on the search for you, you will need to vigilant, this clinic may not be safe” he relayed the message quickly, nodded and left.

So the Templar's were seeking me out, this must be the rumors I had heard of a tranquil solution, my blood boiled at thought, how dare they treat people this way, they often forgot that we were people to “god damn templar's” I boomed in the voice of justice, he attempted to take control. I held him at bay, the light drawing me away from my body ceased, I was weary but in control. I had to do something about this, and I knew Hawke would help me, I just had to locate the dreaded place for which they were dragging the unfortunate mages.


	4. Friendship and missions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marian has had her spirits lifted temporarily, but fears the lull in between, so she seeks out her friend Varric

Working to aid those in need had taken my mind off my own problems, focusing on others was all I could do now, if I stopped, if I paused for a moment I felt his absence, and I felt forced to question it. So I wondered over to the hanged man, I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts, one tragedy after another threatened to drag me into shadow. I found Varric in his rooms near the back. He was sitting comfortably, his feet up, a lazy smile upon his face "Hawke" he cried. "Come join me"

I wondered over to take a seat beside him, adopting a similar relaxed posture. "That's it my friend make yourself at home, a round of drinks on me"

"Why not?" I echoed, no will to fight him on it, or to explain what was going on, just small talk, and nothing more, that is all I wanted.

I was forced to drop my feet, as the harsh wooden chair forced my spine into pained angles. Sitting upright, I looked at my friend, already merry if his demeanor was anything to go by. He too had his share of troubles, his brother had lost his mind, and had not been heard from until now.

"You make that look conformable" I grinned.

"Sturdy dwarven build" he smiled crookedly.

"So what are we drinking to?" I slammed my fists down upon the table with the gusto of one who was on their 10th drink, not their first, so dedicated was I to lose myself.

"Lost brothers, and lost loves" Varric cried with a similar enthusiasm.

The middle aged human barmaid was haughty, she had a strange beauty to her despite her expression, she must have been putting up with Varric's ways for all this time, I didn't envy her. She gave a raised practiced eye roll, as the pleasantries just rolled off his tongue. Varric had become a fast friend I knew how to take his coarse humor, dry wit and blunt wording, others might be offended. I could never understand how people got offended, Varric was so cunning and had a way with words, I was often surprised they weren't eating out of the palm of his hand, but then again sometimes he did just talk exaggerated nonsense, but it was the way he told it that still captured many, he was a storyteller, it was his gift, and he inflicted it upon the masses. I found him amusing, and his way with words often got us out of binds, were my clumsy words would have dug us in deeper. I was glad of him, and I didn't want to talk about it, I just wanted to make merry, and Varric felt the same. The irony wasn't lost on us as we toasted each other's missing parties, glancing to the empty chairs beside us, as if they were with us in spirit. I knocked the chair over, and laughed at the stupidity of it all, I laughed until I cried. I had finally regained control when Varric continued the joke, our ribs were aching by the end, and we had no knowledge as to the source of our amusement, only that we needed an outlet and this was it.

The night fell into a haze as the drinks continued to flow, all on Varric's tab. My vision became unfocused and my balance off, thankfully Varric had a room here, so there was no great distance to walk. Varric managed to knock into every wall as we walked up and round what felt like the longest corridor ever, I laughed raucously as he ricocheted off another wall. Even in my drunken haze I knew he did thisvourely for my benefit, varric knew his limit, and stuck to it./p>

I did not manage to find a comfortable spot to sleep, as I took to the floor, the room spinning, the nausea hitting me in waves. I clung to the ground as if I might fall off it, I dragged myself on to my side, the floor harsh upon my side.

I must have drifted into a light hazy slumber, as I awoke to a thumping sound, which tore at my head like the sharp teeth of crazed mabari. I clung to my head, looking to source of the offending sound. I groaned in a pained manner, straining a loud "what?"

"Marian, are you decent?" I heard a voice call out.

I thought it depends what you call decent, my hair was a sight, my eyes strained to see, and there was dried drool down the side of my face. Hardly the striking image of a leader "give me a minute" I groaned stressing the minute.

I rolled to my back, this only promoted the sickly feeling. Forcing me to drag myself up, a little too quickly forcing me to run for the bathroom, I threw up into the basin. Heaving, I swilled water to take away the sting, I spat the first gulp out, and the second one I drank, the cold liquid soothing my raw throat. I fixed myself up as best as I could, and tried desperately to walk in a straight line toward the door. My balance was no co-operating with were I was intending it go, my body would not follow. I staggered to the door, clinging to the frame until I got my bearings. I slowly opened the door, to see an eager, and bright eyed Anders. His enthusiasm grated upon my tired nerves, I did not mention this, but I grimaced each time he spoke impassioned, and above the necessary level. Varric was still asleep, I couldn't believe he was sleeping through this, I marveled at his ability to find peace when there was none to be had.

I looked wearily to Anders “What is it?” I croaked, not having heard much of what he had been saying, I would have felt guilty, had I the energy.

“Ah late night” he cried once more, the words ringing in my ears.

I groaned in response, taking my hand to my delicate temple, trying to press the pain away, so I could focus on what he had to say, thus far it had been a jumble. 

“Can this wait?” I pleaded.

Hoping he would say yes, so I could partake in this conversation feeling human. 

“I am afraid it can not, I have it on good authority that there are Templar's trying to force mages into tranquility, I have located were they have been taking them, I would like your aid in bringing them to justice” he gave a wry smile, the term having such irony, and a duel meaning were Anders was concerned.

“Of course I will help, but I think I need something to bring me back to the human race, this deserves my full attention, I cant go in half arsed”

He smirked, before his Sullen expression took back its permanent residence upon his features given the way things were, I understood why a smile was not so easy to hold. I wanted to say something, but at this moment I lacked the words, and the ability to form them. Swaying idly upon my unsteady feet, trying to hold steady, I forced my eyes make contact with his and stated “I want to say something, but I feel I lack the capacity, and the words at this moment”

I took my hand to his tense shoulder, and squeezed it gently, hoping this would provide some comfort, and stability to myself. He placed his clammy hand upon mine and began “You have aided me from the beginning, and you continue to do so, I can ask no more of you”

His sincerity warmed my heart, he truly cared for the plight of mages. I held still, prying my hand free to go and rouse Varric, who was still fast asleep snoring rather loudly. I drew my leg up, given my inability to balance, I should not have chanced it, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. Until I connected, waking Varric with a start. Then sending myself stumbling back, Anders caught me mid fall, and hoisted me back up right, a genuine smile now curled up the corners of his mouth, his eyes bright with amusement.

“Maker Hawke you kick like a mule” Varric cried, rubbing his back gingerly.

“You would sleep through the end of the world” I mocked.

“Hey, blondie” he noticed Anders. “I have always been a deep sleeper, a blessing and a curse. You look as bad as I feel Hawke”

“Good morning to you to friend” I feigned hurt at his remark.

“You look lovely, your hair's messy, but lovely never the less” Anders chipped in.

My cheeks flushed, I needed to change the subject, as the awkward silence taunted us all, thankfully Varric noted my panic, and returned with “I don't think you understand how this friendly banter works Blondie”

“I will work on it, in the mean time, can you both begin recovering enough to return to dark town. I could aid the healing process it you like?” Anders offered.

“No thank you, no hocus pocus for me, I will be fine, I just need fresh air, and an ice bath, then I will be fighting fit”

Varric disappeared into the next room, I dropped to sit upon the bed. Anders wondered over, standing in front of me, he tilted up my head “Allow me”

“I didn't think you were supposed to use magic for self inflicted injuries” I smiled lazily, closing my tired eyes. 

"I will make an exception for you" he whispered, taking his hand to my temple, I felt a rush of warmth glaze over his skin, radiating to mine, clearing my mind, I would have argued, but the mages needed urgent help, so I couldn't quival. I re-opened my eyes, he smiled widely “Better?”

“Much, thank you” I returned his smile.

Pulling up hastily, Anders was forced to take my hand to help me up, steadying me as the last wave of nausea faded. Standing almost level with him, I could feel the heat of his sweaty palm holding to my mine. I felt tense, I could feel his eyes imploring mine to meet his, I decided the floor was of greater interest. A cry from the next room thankfully took my focus, Ander's close proximity had was beginning to make me nervous. I rushed into the other room to find Varric dropping into the ice water, grimacing as he acclimatized to the cold, I shook my head. Using the left over ice water to splash my face, I was shocked by the burn of the water, it was a savage cold that bit in to every inch of skin it touched, the shock was finally focused my clearing mind, I guessed that was the idea, but to get into a bath of it, I was not so brave. I dampened a cloth, retiring to a small hidden corner, and cleaned up as best as I could.

Both myself and Varric surfacing at the same time, ready to go, Anders pulled up quickly, nodding our readiness to leave. Now we only needed to go and get Aveline, as the three of us would be a bit of stretch against a organised group of Templar's, four was necessary, one to watch the others back in the heat of battle.


	5. A new role

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris finds that he must occupy his mind aboard the ship before he losses himself to his rage or his worry

I found myself feeling nauseous, I had never been sea sick before, yet the unrest of the waves, created an unrest within me. My state was so intense that I imagined I could part the clouds, anything to bring me closer to this end, find my sister, and cut the strings Danarius had attached to me. Sister the word still held little to no meaning to me, I didn't know what I wanted or expected. My thought drifted between two matters of great importance to me, Hawke and ending Danarius. Both thoughts brought with them sorrow, I recalled the glib manner in which the man I had once called master tore me down, and I felt the rage that followed, cutting my steel gloves into the soft flesh of my palms. When I recalled Hawke I tried to thick of any other moment we had together, there were many, but my mind was intent upon my torture, all I could see was the pain in her eyes as I pulled away, and I worried that she now felt abandoned, I had never wanted this. I didn't want to care for her, I wanted to push her away, and now there was a possibility I had succeeded, I didn't feel relieved I felt panic rise within me, I had to gasp for air. I caught my breath, wondering the deck, not wanting to fritter my time in idle conversation, Isabela had been up to her usual tricks.

I was avoiding eye contact, she called to me "Fenris, this is a long journey, you can't avoid me" she taunted.

I turned on my heel, looking to her flirtatious grin, her eyes dark and mischievous. I sighed feeling the tension within me, I did not wish to be heartless but if she kept pressing me I would be forced to. I gave my best strained smile.

"Fenris you must lighten up, the sea air, the freedom, is it not the best feeling in the world" she breathed deep, her eyes cast lovingly across her ship, as if they had been apart too long.   
I couldn't deny she was a good sailor, her instincts were eerily alike to premonition. He balance was effortless, I could not fault her as a captain, she commanded and earned respect. But even though I yearn for freedom I did not see the appeal of the open sea, it was unsettled, constantly moving from place to place, it felt too alike to being on the run for me.   
I did not reply, I just looked to her and feigned a smile, she sighed heavily, making no further attempt to engage me in conversation that day, it was futile.   
I was only concerned with two things, my freedom, of which would only come with Danarius's end, and Hawke, I would find a way to show her what she meant to me. As things stood I felt I would be unable to express anything beyond the rage that burned within my chest, my need for this game of cat and mouse to draw to a close. However it would be the hunter who became the hunted, I would relish the look upon his face when he realised his end was at hand, and at my hand. I smiled wickedly at the thought, hoping it would bring me some small measure of peace.

I did not however wish to dwell upon these pressing thoughts for this entire long journey ahead, so begrudgingly I wondered back over to Isabela and asked "Is there anything I can do aboard to keep my mind busy?"  
"Well" she purred "I can think of a few things" she gave me an inviting smile.

"Well yes" I coughed, a mild bout of nerves shaking me before I added "I meant aiding with the ship, nothing more" I stated more sternly, feeling an annoyance festering within with each new flirtation. 

I wanted it to be Hawke, I needed it to her, and the fact that it wasn't, angered me. I was both angry at myself, and Isabela. I knew it was in her nature, and should accept it, but to return this banter of hers would mean accepting that Hawke and myself were no longer an option, and I could not do that.

"Fine, if you wish to make yourself useful you seem as though you could be best at aiding my master-at-arms, Triton will inform you of what needed to be done, but should you come to your senses you can always aid the captain" she winked.

Maker she was relentless, I almost smiled at her tenacious spirit. I wondered over to the man to which she had pointed. He was a surly, hard-faced character, but considering his role it was not unexpected. He dark red hair scrapped back, so all could see his many scars clearly, so they would know he was not one to be trifled with, his steel blue eyes cast harshly upon me, his age showing in the deep lines that surrounded them. "What is it?" he declared harshly.

"I am to aid you, so your captain tells me" I fixed him with a glare of my own, holding my own.

"You mean our captain, if your helping me keep order, you will report to me, then to her should need be, understood" he cracked a half smile, it looked unnatural upon his hardened features, but lit his eyes a lighter blue for a moment, then it faded just as quickly as it had begun, it felt strangely sad, as if like myself smiling was foreign to him.

"I understand" I declared.

"Good, as it happens, we have a problem, I have heard them talking of a mutiny, I need to know who among them truly believes this, and they shall be dealt with" he demanded.

I knew that I would have to deal with this quickly, and quietly, but given that I was not one for social graces I wondered how best to approach this. I however could not abide this, if Isabela lost her role as captain, I lost my chance to change my life. Isabela also did not deserve to be usurped, as despite her many failings, her role as captain was not among them, she was firm but fair, and knew much more of the role than any aboard. I looked to the many crew milling about taking to their roles as if they were content, I wondered which among these men hid a festering resentment toward his captain, that was one thing I hated about humans their ability to be so devious, and manipulative, well not all humans.


	6. Fight beside me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anders takes to the underground to find proof of the dreaded tranquil solution

Hawke came to darktown with Avaline, and Varric in tow, I could not think of a way to thank her for what she was doing for me. I asked her if she was ready to aid me in finding proof of this horrendous tranquil solution, and she didn't hesitate, a smile spread across my face, as we dropped into the tunnels, I could imagine there was anyone I would rather be with in that moment. This would be no easy stroll to an end, there would be opposition along the way, as these tunnels were used by smugglers, and creatures dwelled within that would not hesitate to stop us in our tracks, but I would not let anything stand in the way of justice, mages justice. 

We had barely taken down the first set of steps when we were set upon by smugglers, they rushed us, trying to catch us unaware, but my magical storm held them at bay, allowing Hawke to take measure of the situation, so she could have a plan of attack. She took to the smugglers with precision, and strength, cutting down the first few without an issue, the next man was a more formidable opponent, but not for long, I saw to freezing him in place, the mana rushing through my fingers as I cast the spell. I felt alive, and a rush with each new spell I cast, keeping an eye upon the battle, leaving Avaline, and Varric to watch after each other. Until I heard Varric call "Blondie, I could use some help here" I could tell in pained him to say.

I found him surrounded by three smugglers, all three swinging blades, he was barely holding them at bay. I told him to be ready, drawing a vast amount of mana to create a fireball out of thin air, wielding the flames in a contained ball, throwing it toward the three, Varric jumped back, as they were set alight, they staggered dropping screaming as the flames consumed them. Giving Varric the chance to finish them off, firing a quick three rounds from Bianca, his aim was dead on, hitting them all in the chest. Finally once our attackers screams faded, I descended the stairs to join the group.

"Thanks Blondie, but next time I would like to not have to call out for help. I thought you could see all from up there, good vantage point, what was your head?" he pressed.

"Next time thank you will suffice" I stated cutting off the conversation before it started.

He raised his eyebrow, looking at me through narrowed eyes, as if he was trying to figure something out. I walked over to Hawke, she was covered in fresh blood, it was tacky against her armour, and drying upon her porcelain skin. Her usual red mark was marred by the blood of her enemies, I was tempted to reach out and smooth the blood free of her, but it also added to the fierce expression was now sporting, in the after glow of the rush of adrenaline she looked beautiful and intimidating in equal measure. I spotted Varric following my gaze, and I quickly looked away, and hastily stated "Can we keep moving"

The further in we pulled, the more dank and dark the tunnels became, and webs became apparent adorning the walls of the cave, not a normal size. These would be beastly spiders when they chose to reveal themselves, I could hear them scuttling just ahead of us. I had to contain my laughter when Hawke bemoaned "Why did it have to be spiders" she shivered in an obvious manner of disgust. 

Such a strong woman, it just amused me to know spiders where the thing to creep her out, I found it endearing. I could not resist the playful, childish urge which lead me to tickled the skin upon the back of her arms, and neck, making her jolt, when she turned to see me giggling to myself, she glowered before a grin drew across her face "Anders you ass" she remarked jovially, I continued until I had her giggling. 

I heard Varric groan in annoyance at my behaviour with Hawke, I was about to give him a piece of my mind when we found the tunnels end. I stopped only because as we drew out of a tunnel into a clearing within the cave, the giant cave spiders drew out from their hiding places to attack the trespassers, Hawke held tight to her blade, her knuckles straining. She drew up her shield hand in a strange manner, as if expecting to hold the spiders at bay through sheer force of will. I witnessed something strange about her, it was only momentarily, but it seemed like mana rushing through her fingers. As the spiders seemed to back away in terror, I thought I must be seeing magic everywhere, Hawke was no mage, justice would have seen it if I missed it. Still it was strange, we fought back the rest of the oncoming spiders, Hawke grimacing the entire battle.

We drew closer to the end of the tunnels, when we heard raised voices echo, we ran toward the source to find, Ser Alrik threatening a poor mage, wielding a blade over her in warning, telling her in a ghoulish manner that she needed tranquillity. This set of the rage burning within me, then began a battle for control within me. 

I barely heard Hawke shout something intimidating at him, staying his hand momentarily, but I could feel the familiar pull of justice, as he vied for control. It was as though I grew distant, my voice grew silent, and my body was no longer my own. This was a feeling I could never become used to, the loss of control unnerved me, I tried to move but I felt resistance so strong it was agony to try, but I still tried, my agonised screams not even reaching my own lips. So while I fought against what was like a force field to my own body, justice levelled every Templar foolish enough to stand in it's way. The battle pasted in a blur, and I found myself standing before the mage, she challenged justice, and he reacted, he was about to hurt her, and I couldn't regain control, he was too strong. 

I heard Hawkes words break through, and luckily I managed to ground myself upon hearing her voice. I was back in control, but I had been so close to hurting a fellow mage, I felt frightened by all I could do, Hawke tried to comfort and console me, but I had to just get out of there, all I could see was what I had almost done, if Hawke had not been there, that would have turned out differently, and that scared me, was I in control, or was I just believing the my own lies.


	7. The aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke is conflicted, and has a devastating discovery

Anders had left so suddenly I had not known what to make of it, I was concerned for him, a little weary that he was not so in control as he claimed, and also the underlying worry I relayed to no one. I gulped, looking to Varric who had held me back saying "let him go Hawke, he needs time"

"I guess we should make our way back then" stating the obvious to detract from the serious possibilities that could result from this.

The walk back was slow, we intentionally took our time, I wanted to check upon Anders, I was edgy wondering how he was doing. Avaline left me and Varric to return to her guard post, Varric was giving me that look, as if he was expecting me to confess something, his eyes implored me, I was eventually forced to say "What?" curtly.

"You know Hawke, don't make me spell it out for you" he cautioned. His body language awkward "Fine" he proclaimed. "Don't say I didn't warn you, I don't usually meddle in these affairs, I know Fenris left, and that couldn't have been easy for you, and I understand that Blondie seems all to keen to step into the breech, but are you ready to move on?, as your nauseating display in there aside, you don't seem too sure"

I could see how difficult it had been for Varric to bring it up, he shifted nervously upon the balls of his feet, his eyes glancing away when my inquisitive gaze caught his. I didn't quite know how to answer him, I knew he was more observant than I gave him credit for, but I thought he would have remained silent upon the matter, I had expected Avaline to pipe up.

An awkward silence drew out between us, as I searched for the words, but they continued to evade me. I for the forth time, opened my mouth as if about to speak but nothing came out. Eventually, I just forced out the words "I really don't know what to think"

"Maker, you took all that time to say that" he chuckled to himself, shaking his head. "Well I am your friend Hawke, I don't like to meddle in private matters, but you may want to be careful, as it's obvious Blondie is more than interested, his eyes rarely leave you, and I can imagine if you go and talk to him now, he may angle for something"

"You really think that will be the first thing upon his mind right now?" I questioned, hoping to halt this uncomfortable conversation.

"Maybe not" Varric admitted "But definitely the second, so be weary is all I am saying"

"Thank you for your concern, I will be watchful" I assured him.

I took my first step toward Anders clinic, Varric's words going around in my mind, until I was dizzy. I shook my head, as if to throw them off, I had to check on Anders either way, I clung tightly to the papers we had discovered upon Ser Alrik, maybe these would ease his mind, to know the divine refused this plan, had to mean something, I hoped. If I kept the conversation upon him, I could avoid the awkward conversation, I had just suffered. I took a deep breath, and headed in to the clinic, to find Anders frantically searching through things that were just beyond my sight "Keep, throw" he repeated in an agitated manner.

"What are you doing?" I announced my presence.

"Sorting through this mess" he hastily stated.

"Anders" I repeated more insistently, he spun round, his arms full of random bits and pieces, he was clinging to them as if they were priceless.

"You may want to look at this" I stated in the calmest and soothing tone I could manage, handing him the papers, as all in his arms was cast to the ground without care. His eyes fixed upon the papers, he scanned them, reading them at speed, he sighed with some sense of relief, but it didn't seem to suffice, he still seemed on edge despite seeming happy by the refusal of the divine. I felt I could do no more for him in his current state, maybe I was just a selfish excuse to escape, but I was heading toward the door, when he called after me, I flinched, and held in place waiting for him, to wonder over to me. I daren't look up until he was in front of me "Hawke, I wanted to thank you, if you hadn't been there, I don't know what would of happened" he strained through fearful breaths, his eyes darting side to side as if he feared justice would over hear him.

I was thankful that it was focused upon the incident, I wanted to ask him if he truly felt in control, but instead I assured him, the look upon his face made my heart pang to rescue him from himself "But I was there, there is no point in thinking otherwise"

"You always know just what to say" he smiled, his eyes still down cast. I hated the relief that filled me when he wondered off again lost in thought, I was off the hook. I had no idea how I felt anymore. And I did not want to be pressed into a decision, my mind cast to Fenris. I had avoided thinking of him for some time, I found my mind floundering like a fish out of water, flipping from one emotion to the next, all the while gasping for air, not understanding why I had been cast aside. I exhaled heavily forgetting to release the breath I had been holding, after all that was what I was doing holding my breath, waiting for some sign that the obvious explanation was not the case. I wondered where he was, tears left my eyes unbidden as a rush of emotion took me, I loved him, I could still not understand why he would leave without so much as word, I had believed him to share my feelings, I was such a fool. I hoped where ever he maybe, that he would be happy, and free he deserve that much, I was able to draw this conclusion as the weak hope had yet to breath its last.

I marched away from the clinic, not treasuring returning to that empty house, I had hoped Fenris would live with me, but that was no longer a possibility. I had always loved dogs, maybe I should get a dog, make this place take on a less depressing air. As mother had taken to dating, I wanted to be happy for her, but it only reminded me now that I was alone. As I found my way into high town, pushing my key into the door, uncle Gamlin was arguing with my dwarven friend.

Even though it was disquiet, I happier to hear voices fill the place. Losing my sister had broken my heart, and my brother and myself had always had a strained relationship, and now he had joined the Templars in opposition to you. 

"What is it uncle?"

"Where is leeandra?" He pressed.

"I do not know" I sighed heavily.

"She is with her admirer, why these beautiful white lillies came for her" 

With those words all slowed, as a sickening realisation dawned upon me, that sounded awfully familiar. It was like a nightmare, I couldn't get my words out, my rising panic chocked them. I rasped a barely audible sound, finally calling out "I will go and look for her uncle" I had hoped to not worry him, but the fear was evident in my eyes.

"What is it?" He cried.

"Nothing uncle, I will search for her" I steadied myself, hoping to portray a confidence I did not feel.

He wasn't convinced, understandably he argued until he was blue in the face, then he charged out. I has barely heard a word he had said, I just knew I had to move now.

I readied myself, I would need help tracking this elusive killer down, the word alone made me shudder, I could only pray that she still lived, but this city was intent to take everything away from me, those cruel darkened ally's where a place from the wicked, and twisted. 

I went straight to Avaline who would agreed to help me in my hour of need no questions asked "I am glad you came to me, I am ready to leave, I have given the guards their orders, they will sweep the city. We will find her Hawke" she placed her hand upon my shoulder, squeezing it in comfort. "Who else do we need Hawke?, the two of us, formidable as we are need back up"

"Varric, and Fen, I mean Anders" I corrected myself.

She told guards to go to Anders and Varric, as we would need back up, Varric did not need to be asked twice, catching up to us in low town panting, as if he had ran the whole way. 

Anders was possibly in no fit state to aid me, but I needed him if he was able.


	8. Holding back the tide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris has to worry about how to discover the mutineer

I took to my task delicately, as I knew when dealing with humans, and potentially volatile situations one had to tread lightly, which was not easy being an elf among men. I had no great love for humans, only one, and I still wondered if I had indeed lost her. I was glad to have a task to focus upon, it stopped me from brooding, and growing morose, as it was a dangerous habit of mine. The mind can be a cruel place, and if it is your only escape, spending most of your time in the dark can twist you. I was trying to step into the light, but at times it felt so unsafe, that I wanted to return to the shadows.

I looked to the crew about their work, and wondered what would gain me their trust, their respect. The heavens seem to answer by opening, and unleashing holy hell upon us. The storm seemed to come out of nowhere, the light clear sky was swallowed up by the dark grey of the raging storm. High winds forced us to sway, Isabela looked calm, and confident, and this was the captain they wished to remove, someone who could stand against the chaos of the sea, and navigate through it. Each order see barked steadied us for a time, but the sea rose against us, a waterspout whirred to life directly ahead of us, and made its dreaded path toward us, there was no avoiding it. 

The panic upon deck fell to the cry of "Brace" the only sound now, was the assault of the wind and rain upon your senses, barely able to see, and breathing became a struggle as the wind tore around, us, tearing at the hull of the ship, and pulling sailors free of their hiding places. I was able to save two men from being lost to the storm, almost losing my own footing in the process. Holding on as my shoulders strained, their eyes fixed upon me crying for their salvation, calling upon me not to let go. I was forced to cry out in agony, as the pull upon my joints became too much, I felt as though my shoulders were being parted from there sockets, but somehow despite the pain tearing through my limbs, I held on long enough, when the spout drove through us, dissipating into the clouds, as if its only aim had been to destroy us, and now satisfied it could fade.

I nursed my aching shoulders, grimacing as circling them only led to greater waves of pain. We battened down, and rode the storm out, thankfully the only thing that assaulted the ship, were the swells of the sea which Isabela read like a psychic, and the rain. When the light broke through once again, it was a relief, those of us who had lived celebrated for a short moment. We surveyed the damage to the ship, and I aided them in fixing the ship, manual labour I could do. The two men who had been the cause of my now destroyed shoulders, aided me with my work "We owe you more than this but we know the strain you endured to hold us to this earth, and we are grateful, you have our duty, and service should you have need of it"

I tried to remain deadpan to it, but I felt a strange feeling of pride, which made me want to smile, I forced it down, and nodded. Damn Hawke, she had to make me feel, the last thing I wanted, or had heard any elf was open with their emotions, they often seemed contained, and aloof in my experience. But Hawke had teased out words, and stories that I had never wished to tell another, but I had felt I could trust her, with my pain, and my heart. That trust I had felt for her, had frightened me once, and I had endeavoured to not run again, this time I was not running away but toward something, and I hoped my freedom, would give me the chance to make a life with Hawke, whatever that would be.

Having a in with the crew gave me my chance to discover the mutineers, I was able to watch their interactions, and note those who looked suspicious. My hearing was greater than they knew, these ears aren't just for aesthetics, they are honed to hear more clearly than humans. I could hear them complaining they had run in to the storm due to Isabela's incompetence, which couldn't be further from the truth, but this was an excuse to attain power. I had seen many a power play within Tevinter, they would go to great lengths to hold on to power, and gain more, they didn't care who they hurt, and Isabela was their target. The worst of it was that after the storm his bitter whispers gained momentum, until he had the entire crew listening to him. I had to report this to the master-at-arms, but I couldn't while under their paranoid and watchful eyes, I had to pretend to be one of them. I had plenty of anger within me. I could feign a portion of that going to Isabela. Luckily the two men I had saved, vouched for my character, when he called me into question, which silenced him. It was moments like this when you saw the power within those who were referred to as the workers, how their words could silence the most powerful of men, as to hold to their power, they must be weary of questionable acts. He backed down, but I had held my own, squaring up to the scrawny, clean shaven man, no scars adorned his face, or arms, so this was a man of vicious words, and spinning tales, that was how he drew people in, not through force, but force of will, and subtle manipulation. This man needed to be unmasked for what he was, a bottom feeder, hungry for power. 

His second seemed to be the greater danger of the two, as what little I had observed of him, is that he was unpredictable, and dangerous, he gave the scrawny front man the fear he needed to quash those willing to stand against him. This man appeared to be deranged, I had seen mad men in my time, and he bared all the markers. Severe paranoia, his eye contact sparse, and shifty, his eye wide, and wild. He appeared to be on a constant high alert. The only man brave enough to be the voice of dissent, got a blade to his throat for his troubles, it had been so swift, and unexpected that none of us could have seen it coming. The poor man died for his bravery, and the hush that followed was like a vacuum, and it was in this empty silence that the front man drew them in, promising them power, and safety from a similar fate. Not one man stood against him, they were too busy staring at the body of the last brave soul who dared to voice his worries, and contempt for their new despotic leader, whom had appointed himself. This was not a choice, and this was no longer a simple mutiny, this was taking control by means of fear. As the once tough sailors now stood before this cruel rat, ready to listen to his every word, for their own survival. As that is our instinct to survive, the means by which we do survive, are not always ones we are proud of, I myself knew the shame of such actions. I now knew the one to worry about was this crazed man, and his lack of morality, he seemed to wear the innocent, and unarmed mans blood like a badge of honour. I could tell this beast would not stand in a fair fight, but this is how true evil works, it has no decency, no moral code, it just acts out of its own madness without a care for consequence, truly dangerous indeed.


	9. Lost in Lowtown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anders witnesses Marian's harrowing search for her mother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Themes of grief feature heavily in this chapter

When one of Avaline's guards burst into the clinic, I was on high alert for a moment, holding to my staff should I have need of it. He halted just before me "Sir Ser Hawke needs you in low town.." 

I cut him off, rounded my desk, and created a portal to take me to her side, I rarely used them as they were severely disorienting, but she needed me, and that's all I needed to know. I materialised just as she was talking to her uncle, and some street urchin peddling information. She looked frantic, when her wild eyes met mine, I knew it was serious.

I did not say a word, I just took to her side. She took my hand slowly, her fingers lacing into mine, she needed the comfort, someone to ground her, and I would do all I could for her. I squeezed her hand letting her know I was there. My heart lurched when she found a blood trail, the panic within her made her voice sound so small and lost, much alike a child. I wanted to take her in my arms, and tell her it would be alright, but she needed to believe their was hope, as she rushed from one worrying patch of blood to the next. The hope began to dull in her eyes the longer we searched, her eyes misting over, she had been through so much already, it enraged me to feel so hopeless to protect her.

We took inside a warehouse, following the trail, the amount of blood was of great concern. Whoever had taken her did not want to be discovered as they sent hellish beasts to slow us down. Hawke was overwhelmed, her rage was reckless, and frenzied. She leapt at demons, and sprits alike with fury, cutting the them down teeth gritted, I could only watch her back as she raged, I could not hold back the tide, nor should I. It pained me to see her like this, she was just so desperate to find her, and these monsters stood in her way. When the last one finally fell to ground, she raced ahead, finding a woman upon a table, turned from us. The table was stained with blood, the gasp of horror as she flew over, grasping at the woman’s shoulder. When she discovered it was not her, she was both relieved, and terrified.

We all said nothing, we just followed her on. Rushing into a room built like a shrine to a woman who looked oddly like her mother, I cast my eyes up to the picture, a sense of dread rising within me. I had already seen the anguish upon her face over losing her sister, and brother. Fate was cruel to continue taking from her, soon she would have nothing left but me. And was I enough, could I be good enough for her, I had my doubts, but this was not the time. I dragged my eyes forth to follow her current war path, just in time to halt a barrage of arrows let loose from a risen skeleton archer. Magic was definitely at work here, it frustrated me to know the very thing I was protecting was hurting the one I loved, the realisation startled me as much as the sudden appearance of a shade before me. I pulled back from his lunge, freezing it in place to the cry of “Blondie get your head in the game that was close”

I looked to Varric, his eyebrow arched high. He helped me up, I was sure he would have continued to interrogate me, but he was too concerned for Hawke to hold on to his curiosity. 

I was taken back, I had just thought it a passing fancy that I would soon be over, but as I followed her to what I now feared would be another painful loss, my heart lurched in my chest. Justice remained a disproving whisper, telling me my love was a distraction, not worth the risk, but I ignored his words. 

We rushed after Hawke finally finding the crazed mage responsible for this cruelty, he was about to spout rhetoric, I found I could not control my rage, I rushed at him. He repelled me with a force field of some kind. 

“Anders” I heard Hawke cry, rushing to my side.

“Are you ok?” she squeaked.

“Yes, let us find your mother, and put an end to this manic, together”

“Together?” she echoed quizzically. As she helped me to my feet she reiterated more confidently, looking me directly in the eyes “Together” I nodded. I was ecstatic to hear those words leave her lips, but I knew now was not the time to show it.

This maniac could not be reasoned with, he sounded insane, his thoughts were a tangled web of insanity, to him it seemed normal, I feared for a split second that I was alike to him, with my justifications, but I shook it off, I was nothing like this cruel madman. He sent more of his demons for us, we made quick work of them, I saw my chance to strike down the psychopathic mage, and I took it, his death only gave me a small moment of satisfaction, as he breathed his last, collapsing to the ground.

I heard an anguished cry from behind me, I turned to see Hawke shaking, she looking so broken cradling her mother in her arms. The image pained me, her voice heavy with emotion, her heart tearing apart was almost visible. Her mother felt silent, and became limp in her arms. She howled in agony, clinging to her, screaming in pure agony. Her grief held her in that moment for a long time, she clung tightly to her mother, sobbing until her throat was raw, and her cries became whimpers. I stood behind her not knowing what to do or say, there was nothing that would take away the pain tearing through her, I wished there were spells to take away her pain. I stood still, and helpless, silently witnessing her heart break once more, I couldn’t stand it. I took my hand to my mouth, to hide the tears now streaking my cheeks, I wiped them quickly away.

I watched Avaline walk over to Hawke, crouching beside her she whispered “Hawke I am so sorry, we will take her with us, give her a proper burial, and say goodbye”

Hawke barely responded to her, we all offered to take the burden of carrying her mother free of this place, but she would not have it. She carried her out, her lip trembling as she tried to hold to her composure. She carried her a distance to a clearing near Kirkwall, a beautiful field.

“She often told me of this garden, and how beautiful it was, I can barely recall it, but she spoke so fondly of it” Hawke’s voice cracked.

She lay her mother down with care, as if she still hoped she would rouse from a dead slumber. She fixed her hair, and pleaded for this to be a nightmare. I couldn’t hold at the side-lines any longer, I rushed to Hawke, dragging her into my arms, she began sobbing a new, her body shaking against mine. I wanted to shield her from this cruel world, from this horror. I felt as if I could while she was in my arms, when she pulled back her eyes bloodshot and dulled. She dragged herself up, Avaine begrudgingly passed her a shovel, none of us wanted her to suffer a second longer, any part of the burden we could take we wanted to, but she denied us, and she tortured herself. Digging her own mothers grave, she could barely see through the floods of tears, but she continued, until she was so exhausted she could barely stand. Her muscles tremored as she lay her mother into the ground, as she pulled out, she dropped to the ground. I ran to her side, dragging her up, and into my arms once more, this was the only comfort I felt I could offer. This time she did not pull away in the end, she did not cry, she fell eerily quiet. I steadied her, she clung tightly to me, Avaline filled the grave, and when she began to struggle, Varric took over.

All of us stood around the fresh grave looking sorrowfully to each other, then to Hawke, who said nothing more beyond a whispered “Goodbye”

We marked the grave, and paid our respects, and condolences, but Hawke was not responsive to a single word of support from Avaline, or Varric. They looked worried, they both called after her stating how they would come and see her in the morning. She didn’t open her eyes, or show any form of response to their words, she had little care for their fear, she was lost in her own personal hell.

I carried Hawke home, as her legs gave way. Carrying her to her room, laying her upon her bed, her eyes glassy, and so dull, a pain rose within my chest. I thought it best to leave until I heard a gasping, as if she was coming up for air, she was drowning “Don’t go” she cried.

“You should be allowed to grieve” 

“This place is no longer a home, please I don’t want to be alone” she gasped.

I could not refuse her, her gut wrenching cry, and the tears filling her sad eyes made me need, and want to rescue her, take her back into my arms, and hold back this cruel world and all the horrors it had forced upon her. I took to her side, and that is what I did, I pulled her to me, and when she drifted off into a exhausted sleep, I kept watch over her, I loved her, and wanted this to not be the reality she would wake up to, but I would be here, here for her whenever she needed me.


	10. Visitors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merrill comes to offer her condolences, among the support offered a secret is revealed

I awoke in the comfort of someone’s arms, the events of yesterday hazy in my mind. Sadly my memory soon returned to me, the grief fresh once more. I clung to the body under me, burying my head to their chest, their arms pulled tightly to me. I couldn’t bring myself to move, even when there was a knock upon the door, I barely registered the sound.

“I will get it” Anders stated tentatively, kissing my forehead gently.

Pulling me free of him, Anders lay me carefully back down upon the bed. I watched him walk away, I would have felt strange had I the strength to care, but I was exhausted. My vision blurred, my eyes dry from the tears than had run dry for the moment. I was forced to drag myself up in a daze when I heard Anders raise his voice “She doesn’t need your kind of help” he hissed.

I could hear Merrill trying shout over Anders to me, her wide eyes full of concern. “Let her in Anders” I strained as I walked cautiously down the stairs, hand to the wall to steady myself.

Pushing passed an annoyed Anders, who shot the back of her head a glare. She rushed over to me, and before I could place my feet upon the ground she swept her arms around me, and embraced me tightly “I am so sorry for your loss” she uttered in wistful tone.

I sank into her embrace, allowing her to hold me up for a moment, as I could not manage it myself, I didn’t have the power. I hated to admit to myself that I had forgotten about poor Merrill, so much had been going on that I had not visited her in sometime, and yet she was here to offer her support in my time of need. I smiled through the fresh flowing tears which burned my eyes, I sighed heavily as she released me, aiding my to steady myself. Anders hovered in the background; he had made his feelings toward Merrill clear.

“Is she staying?” Anders curled his lips into a sneer.

“If she wants to she can” I glared at Anders, he took a deep breath, and held back the fury rising within him, bit his tongue, and justices tongue for me.

I led Merrill to a couch, I crashed down into the seat, slumping down awkwardly, it hurt to remain in this stance, but I didn’t care. Merrill took her seat carefully, and then turned to me. “I want to have the right words Hawke, but I find I lack them. I understand where you are now, I have lost people very close to me, you feel strange and adrift, nothing feels clear, and all is heavy”

I was astounded by her accuracy, I looked to her curiously. She often astounded me, as she could be so ditsy, and often put her foot in her mouth, but once in a while she would say something so wise, you couldn’t deny she was a marvel. I was glad of her company, although I didn’t feel I deserved it.

“I am sorry Merrill, I have been such a poor friend to you” I cried.

“Hawke you’re going through hell, you have lost much, and still you worry about me, you’re a good woman, I still don’t know why Fenris would leave such a caring woman”

She instantly pulled her hand to her mouth and gasped, my chest tightened upon the mere mention of him. I saw the look of guilt twist upon her face, Anders looked ill at ease from where he stood keeping an eye upon us. 

“I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to mention him, by the dread wolf I am such a fool” she admonished herself.

“No, it’s ok” I assured her. The pain rising in my chest showed this to be a lie, but she had not intended to upset me further. I took her hand “Its’s ok, I do not understand why he left without a word either” I confessed, my voice wavering.

“You think he knows what you are?” She whispered her eyes wide.

I looked at her suspiciously; I narrowed my eyes “What do you mean?” I pressed.

“You know how he feels about mages” she continued.

“How do you know?” I exclaimed louder than intended.

“Your energy flares when your emotional Hawke, I have only seen flickers, enough to know what it means, you hide it very well, how do you do that?” she questioned, her eyes alight with curiosity.

I looked around the room, Anders was no long in sight, I lowered my voice “I am what is known as an arcane warrior, some learnt to use strength to increase their magical abilities, but there was a group who learn to control the flow of their mana to hide, we all came from societies that fears, and cursed us” I stated this as if to justify our actions before I continued. “Bethany refused to join them when her gift manifested, she said it meant I was ashamed. So non mages, and mages disavowed all knowledge of us. We continued in secret, I was lucky to find them, and have them take me in”

I waited for the judgement, and pious rhetoric to rain down, but she just looked thoughtful for a moment before stating “Ah yes I had heard of them, not much is spoken of their order, as mages believed them to be denying their birth right”

“I don’t think Fenris knows” I stressed through a heavy sigh, hoping this was not why he left.

“Hmm maybe your right, you can talk to me about magic if you wish, I know much of being cast out sadly, but you will not be alone” she smiled weakly, tightening her grip upon my hand.

She may not have known what to say, but she had certainly took my racing mind out of the darkness for a moment, and for that I was grateful. “I think we should discuss this another time, when we can be alone” I tilted my head toward Anders who had reappeared by the doorway. 

He seemed restless, probably hoping for Merrill’s visit to be a short one. He did not get his wish, Merrill stayed for some time, I spoke of my mother, and my sister, both good and bad memories rushed to the fore. I was glad to have someone willing to hear my many stories, Merrill told me of her studies, I think she too was glad to have someone hear her out and not jump to judgement. I understood the fear people felt all to clearly, but I found Anders distaste for her to bit a little hypocritical, both had taken steps into the unknown with their actions. Whereas I had chosen to hide away, I had done it to survive, but the more Merrill spoke the more I felt guilty for being ashamed and fearful of my magical gift, I had not used it in so long, the flickers must have been mana escaping, I was lucky only Merrill had seen them, she was more observant, and intelligent than any of us gave her credit.

“I feel as though we have all sold you short Merrill” I confessed.

“You aren’t the first” she stated gloomily.

“I am sorry, I see I was wrong, and I am lucky that you are still willing to lend me aid”

“You’re my friend Hawke, we all make mistakes. You do trust me don’t you?” she echoed in a sad little voice.

I took a moment to consider her question rather than telling her only what she wanted to hear. I had never doubted her despite what members of my party had whispered about her, I nodded.

“Thank you, I am relieved to hear you say that. Know that you can trust me with this. But I would not hide who you are, the longer you do the harder it is to step out into the light” she once again whispered with wisdom beyond her years.

She left of that note, embracing me, and leaving me to ponder all we had just discussed. I couldn’t really own this after so long; I had to hold to this secret. As she left, Anders looked happy to see her leave. 

He wondered over to me, stopping in front of me, not saying a word. I was forced to look up at him, his eyes caught mine in an intense stare “So you’re a mage” he stated in disbelief.

My eyes widened, this secret I had worked so hard to hide, had all come out in the most unexpected manner, a time where I felt my world was collapsing, now I was revealed. I felt vulnerable; I wanted to throw my armour back on, and hide. I chided myself for my loud exclamation, and felt fury at him listening in upon my private conversation. I had barely gotten to process Merrill knowing, never mind Anders. 

I dropped my head into my hands, at first it was to avoid the accusing stare, but now I gingerly cradled my temples , as the pain behind them became more pronounced, it was too much to take, my body was crying out.


	11. Mutiny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris descends into the world of mutineers

I would have liked to simply cut the head off this snake, but I couldn't get near him, too many crew members through fear and misplaced loyalty blocked my path. 

I would have to convince them I was on their side, this would be no easy task. And worse it would require me to disrespect Isabella, I had to make my aligence appear genuine, so I couldn't let her know, her shock had to be real. I steeled myself, bringing her down in front of her crew each chance I got, she feigned not being effected by my harsh words, but I could see how they wounded her. I couldn't let my emotions cloud this issue, I had clearly spent too much time among humans, I did not have the renowned elven containment. 

I felt for her as she struggled to hold her own, she was tough but still human, but I could help her more by ending this mutineer before his strangle hold became to tight. 

It was dark, and underhanded but I dropped into their world, their desire for power was clear in their desperate eyes. No one trusted anyone, it was a nest of paranoid vipers. I was eyed with suspicion as I descended the the lower deck, to the dark corner which they had staked out as their own. The shadows were nothing new to me, neither was the cruelty in their dealings. 

"I wish to speak with your leader, I fear this ships captain will lead us to ruin, and I must make it to my destination, I care for nothing else" I exclaimed. The element of truth in the words swayed them to open a path for me.

But this crazed desperate man was not as foolish as I first thought, as he had the captains quartermaster at his side, willing or not he was in the line of fire. I needed only to get close enough. I looked across to him, he sat behind a desk as if a corrupt official in office. I looked to his manic expression, he slicked back his greasy locks, not a scar or cut adorned his hands. His hands were clean, he only guided the blade with his words, he was an expert at manipulation. 

"So you wish to join us, not happy with our captain, thought you were friends?" He stated with a crazed smile as if he had me.

He was more observant than I had given him credit for, but I was not so easily cornered. 

"No merely through connivence, she had a ship, I needed to get somewhere, but she will not get us there. She does not had the respect or confidence of her crew, but you do"

He seemed to contemplate my words before he responded "yes your skills will be of use to me slave"

I bristled at the mere word, I barely held back the rage bubbling within me "I am no slave, I can be a useful ally or a dangerous enemy you decide" I spat.

So I had failed to hold back my rage, he looked amused "I knew there was something brewing under the surface, yes you will be the one to kill the captain for us, you can get closer than any of us. Prove your loyalty with her blood" he demanded.

I could only nod weakly, he had managed to get at me, I had to be more careful. The plan they shared with me was to wait until the dead of night, call the captain under a false emergency, lead her on deck, and tear her heart out, so all would see what happens to those who stand in his way. I would have to exploit his blood lust, he would wish to have a front row seat to witness his madness realised. 

I watched darkness fall faster than it had before, things had moved faster than I imagined, and time seemed to speed forth. I was given the nod to call the captain forth, I raised the alarm with a convincing cry. Isabella follows me, weary but she still trusted me, and considered me friend, I feel a knot form in my stomach as I drew her into their trap, I prayed this would not go wrong. 

He stood to the fore, he couldn't resist being able to look her in the eye and defy her one last time. I fell in line beside him, I will never forget the look upon her face, the look of one betrayed is a strong mix of pain, and rage. It tore at my heart, but I had to focus upon his, this was my only chance, I hated to stab an enemy in the back, but the risk of honor, risked Isabella's life. 

I drew from the markings, I lit up the shadows which I had been hiding within. I punched through his back, gripping his heart, tearing it free. No one realised what had occurred until he dropped to ground with a sickening thud, the look of horror upon his face had only been seen by Isabella.

I look down upon him for a moment, I held up his heart in my hand for all of those in attendance to see, then I crushed it. They were horrified, and frightened by this feat, they were all lost for words, so I filled the silence.

"This maniac was not the heart of this ship, your captain stands before you, do not forget that"

The tension was thick, and there was a possibility of things turning ugly, but they all seemed to think better of it, backing away, mumbling how he was not worth it. It took sometime for them to disperse, their looks ranged from shock to relief. But all of them cast a weary glance to me, they wouldn't trust me again, nor would they turn their back to me . I gave the willing conspirators to the man at arms. We would deal with them accordingly before the crew later, as a reminder mutiny was not an option. 

Isabella was relieved "I need a drink after all of this" she stressed.

I wasn't that partial to ale, but after that I could use something to steady my nerves, my hand was shaking. That could have so easily gone wrong, I sighed, and followed Isabella to her cabin. 

We didn't discuss the mutiny, she stated it was over and that was all that mattered. I could see she was shaken by the events transpired but she would never say. Even as the ale flowed, she remained tight lipped, she merely congratulated me on my convincing performance. I nodded knowing I had done it for both of us. 

"Saved me a job" she laughed. 

Merry off the ale, she returned to her comfort zone of flirtation, then she felt in control. I raised my eyes, her hand was upon my knee, I hadn't noticed until she squeezed it lightly. I looked at it as if it were a strange object I had not seen before, I looked to her. She looked to me with sad soulful eyes, this mutiny had worried her more than she cared to admit. 

I tried to pull her into a friendly embrace, I wasn't partial to affection but I felt she needed it. I damned the human effect upon me, she unwilling allowed me to hold her to me, she was rigid, and remained so for a time. When she finally relaxed, I squeezed her, then began to release her.

She managed to somehow pull me into a kiss. My eyes widened, I hesitated for a moment, letting my lips longer upon hers, I did not return her affection nor did I push her away. She pulled away looking rather dissatisfied, she tried again, I pulled back.

"Maker Fenris she will not be waiting for you, Anders will certainly make a move" she growled in frustration.

"What?" I hissed in question.

"You must be blind, I have seen the looks he gives her, he must have been glad to see you leave" 

"Shit" I exclaimed, how could I have been so blind I chided myself. 

If I had known this I wouldn't have risked leaving a message with him. Hawke would think I had abandoned her, I had to get word to her I knew we needed supplies, and a letter may take a while to reach her, but I could not turn back now.

"Fenris what is it?" Isabella promoted me free of my panicked thoughts.

"I made a mistake, I need to go"

"Fine" she declared as I raced out.

I knew she was upset, but I had to find the words for Hawke. Did I reveal anders as the snake he was, or did I merely convey my love for her, I was more comfortable with revealing anders, than splattering my emotions across a page. I wanted to tell her how I felt in person, but I had to write something at least that I would be returning to her and hopefully as a free man. I scrawled down my thoughts as clearly as I could. Holding tightly to the letter until I was able to pay a man handsomely who was returning to Kirkwall to deliver my note. I could only hope it reached Kirkwall before I lost her, I couldn't stand the thought. I shook with rage at the thought of Anders using this to his own advantage, mages truly were snakes in the grass, dangerous in so many ways.


	12. Anders is torn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anders has a choice to make

I could believe it, Hawke was a mage, and I felt such a fool to not have seen it. I chided myself, how had Merrill of all people notice, I grimaced. Hawke looked exhausted, and not ready to talk. I was desperate to force the issue, eager to show her that she could turn to me in all matters, especially this. I did not know how she hid her magic, or why, so many questions raced around my head. But I had to think of her, so much was going on for her, I couldn't make this about me, no matter how much I wanted to. I wanted her to know how close I felt to her, but after Merrill's mention of Fenris, I felt a rush of guilt. This secret still weighed upon me, I should have told her, but I had held it back so long that either way it wouldn't end well, I could just see her reaction now, but I didn't want her to look at me differently. The look in her eyes when she looked to me now was of need, but also there was a confused love growing. I had seen her hastily look away when I caught her looking in my direction, I knew that look, and I shared her confusion. Sadly my confusion was of my own making, I wanted to pursue her but I had trapped myself in my own web of lies, she was just beyond my reach, I had to cut myself free, but I was not ready to let her go.

I helped her up from the couch, and I carried her upstairs as her legs faltered. I lay her upon the bed, I was about to wonder back to the couch when she asked me to stay. I took her back into my arms, she fitted into my arms so perfectly, she belonged there. The comfort it gave me to hold to her protectively was immeasurable, I watched her sleeping soundly. She stirred with a sudden motion, she looked dazed and startled. Her eyes welled up once more, she buried her head to my chest, it tore at my heart to hear her pained sobs, but she needed to grieve, and needed to let her. She fell silent, and remained still for a long time. When she finally moved, she tilted her head back, looking up at me almost expectantly. I don't know what she wanted, what could I say to soothe the pain?, I had magic, but no magic words. As my words failed me, I took my hand to her cheek in a comforting gesture, her eyes closed. I found my hand trailing off into her hair, running my fingers through her soft locks, catching them between my fingers. She looked relaxed by this so I continued, when her eyes flashed open, the relaxed look seemed to have vanished, she now looked anxious. I wondered what I had done to add to her stress, my fingers still lost in her hair, maybe this was not as innocent as I had convinced myself it was. I began to feel nervous, I tried to pull her back into my arms, but she was rigid, staring at me. I wanted her eyes to close, I couldn't stand this gaze, under this gaze I felt such mixed emotions, part of me was desperate to kiss her, another part wanted to confess everything and see what would happen. I did neither, I just sat in silence, a coward hiding in the vacuum created by this now strained silence, and more than lingering glance.

I had to say something to break this tension "Hawke?" that was the best I could do I chided myself.

She pulled closer, and in a reflex I leant in to kiss her, she did not push me back, our lips dangerously close. I could feel her breath warming mine; I had only to move an inch and they would meet. I agonised over this, and I hated myself as I pulled back "I can’t, not like this" I stressed.

She looked confused, and a little hurt. She was lost, and grieving, she needed something to take away the pain. I wanted to be more than a mistake, I wanted her to love me back, I damned Merrill for bringing back the memory of Fenris, he was like a ghost haunting her, and haunting me for the silence I held. I turned pulling my legs free of the bed, I couldn't look at her. I felt as if Fenris was giving me his usual cold glare, I felt an icy shiver run down my spine. I pulled up, I did not intend to leave her alone, but I couldn't remain so close, I would now be tempted to give her what she thought she needed, giving me all I needed.

"I am sorry Anders, I shouldn't have, I am still confused, but that is not excuse to pull you into my confusion" she stated emotion heavy in her voice.

She pulled her knees to her chest, breaking eye contact, placing her head upon her knees. "I know this isn't easy for you Hawke, I won’t leave you on your own, but maybe I should sleep elsewhere?" I offered.

Her head snapped up "No please don't I need you here" she pleaded.

"But Hawke, I.." I trailed off not knowing how to say how much I wanted her, she had enough to deal with, I had no right to put this on her.

"Please Anders, I will only use you as a human pillow" she grinned.

Her smile was contagious it forced a turn up of my own lips, I willed them to hold the serious line, but I failed. And soon found myself pulling her back into my arms, I was a little wearier of my hand placement. And now all too aware of her pressed against me, I hadn't noticed until now. Her body draped over mine, was not a comfort, it was an exercise in frustration. Look but don't touch I reminded myself, she is your friend not your lover, wishing away Fenris did not erase him. I felt guilty as she drifted in and out of consciousness, as I hoped that he wasn't coming back.

She suffered many highs and lows, for weeks, I tended to her. I think she was getting used to having me around, as she finally opened up about magic. She had been afraid for so long, so many horror stories, she had ran away and luckily she had found the order. Escaping the circle by hiding her magic, so her skill was untapped and ability was that of an apprentice. I aided her in her practice, she no longer hide around me. We had been practicing basic spells; it had taken it out of her, so I have her a break. A knock sounded at her door, she was sleeping, I had not the heart to wake her. I only hoped it wasn't Merrill I knew Hawke liked her but that didn't mean I had to. I opened it to some unknown man, I narrowed my eyes.

"I have a letter for a Marian Hawke"

"I can take that" I offered.

"He said to put it in her hand, he was rather specific on that point" he stated wearily.

"She is sleeping, your welcome to wait"

"I have to set sail within the hour, Please make sure she gets it, this elf was rather intense"

"Elf?"

"Yeah, make sure she gets it" he cried as he left in a hurry.

I knew what I held in my hand, the letter that would either reveal me, or take her from me. So I had to decide, finally tell her everything, leave the letter or destroy it. I couldn't decide here, I couldn't think clearly around her. I left her a note stating I had returned to the clinic for supplies. In truth I left to agonize over this letter, Fenris would never accept her, he couldn't understand all she had been through, but I could, I would be doing her a favour I justified it to myself. I stared at the folded paper, name and address written rather crudely. How could something so small have such a big effect? I feared that light in her eyes returning for him, and her turning upon me. I could walk to the clinic in my sleep, on autopilot I had found my way.

I sat down upon one of the empty sick beds, it was surprisingly empty. I waved to the few workers milling around, then returned to my all-consuming thoughts. I wanted to read it, but it was private, it surely would take her from me. I was torn.


	13. Marian tries to move on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marian tries to move forward from Fenris, and hiding her magic

I awoke a little weary, magic took more energy than I realised, and so much focus. I had spent too much time focusing upon hiding away, to have someone accepting me, and supporting me was an amazing feeling. I wanted to tell Anders I appreciated him and all his support, I had decided to tell him when I saw him, and pick up that little gift I had gotten for him.

I cleaned up, placing a black and white tunic on, no shoes or leggings needed yet. It was easier to feel your place upon the ground without shoes. I had to hold for a moment recalling the thought as Fenris's words, I wanted to use my magic to take me to him, but I had driven him away I was the last person he wanted to see. I had to pull myself free of the heavy feeling that began to take me. This Unrequited love was painful to hold on to, so I had to loosen my vice grip upon his memory, I had to let him go but I didn't know how.

I raced down the steps thinking magic would distract me from my misery, I saw Anders standing by my mail table looking rather pained. I rushed over "are you ok?" I pressed.

He almost jumped out of his skin when my hand pressed upon his shoulder "maker Hawke don't sneak up on people" he endeavoured to catch his now heavy breath.

He recovered himself, and I thought now was a good a time as any to tell him. I went to speak at the same time as he began to say something. "No you go first" I offered.

He shook his head imploring me to speak first "you know I appreciate all the support you have given me, I don't know where I would be without you Anders" I winced thinking it was too much, he looked uncomfortable. "I am sorry was that too much?" I sighed heavily; I was no good at this.

"No not at all" he smiled.

"What did you want to say before I cut you off?" I recalled feeling I had forgotten my manners.

"Nothing, it doesn't matter" he assured me.

I would have pressed him as I needed distraction, but he didn't look as though he would not be pressed. So I decided upon a good distraction for us both, he loved to teach, and it took all of my focus to cast spells. I was rather sick of defensive spells; I wanted to try more offensive magic.

Eagerly I asked "can I try a magical attack?"

"I don't know if you are ready" his eyes narrowed, he looked unsure, but I continued to insist, he eventually sighed and relented. I was ecstatic, I tried to curb my enthusiasm, Anders snickered.

I readied myself, steeling my nerves, and focusing my mind. The mana followed freely through me, the tingling in my ready finger tips was still alike a rush. My mind wondered to my training with the arcane mages "magic is dangerous, people will fear it and you, so we must hold back from relying upon the ease of spells. Think of it as a dangerous drug, it is addictive, addictions are prisons"

This distraction had led to the fire within my palm becoming out of hand, it burnt my skin, the flames licked at my skin forcing me to release it. My eyes widened, Anders expertly repelled it although I feel he did not intend to as he seemed startled. Both distracted and now all of my mail was alight, the table was consumed quickly, the fire crackled, threatening to spring to life when Anders froze it.

"I am so sorry Anders" I stated ashamed and embarrassed, I could have hurt him. It made me think that maybe the arcane Warriors were right; I was safer with a blade in my hand. My mind wasn't focused or disciplined enough. I continued profusely apologised to Anders, looking to the cinders of paper wondering whose words I had lost, I would never know now so there was no point in worrying.

"It's ok" he assured me in a soothing tone. "It would seem we are both distracted" he confessed. "What drew your focus away?" He pressed.

"The teachings of the arcane mages, dangers of magic"

His eyes flashed "Instead of teaching you to fear yourself and deny who you are, they should have been teaching you to control your gift. Magic is a gift, do not let anyone tell you otherwise" his stare intense. I nodded; he seemed riled up by this.

We returned back to defensive magic, I tried to remain focused but at times my mind drifted. At times I still felt that fear of magic, the rush felt like drug high I should be ashamed of. I would never admit this to a soul but my other distraction was Anders, I began to notice how reassuring his voice was, how he was able to instil a belief of myself in me, and how his smile was beginning to no longer put me at ease, but rather make me nervous and blush.

I tried to ignore it, pretend it wasn't happening, Anders was my friend, not my lover, I had no right to ruin that friendship or use him as a distraction. I focused upon my magic, and when I wasn't practicing my magic, I was focusing upon controlling it. When Anders would rest, I would recall my teachings, I was ready to show Anders that I was a Mage, but the world was another matter, that I was not ready for. When looking upon Anders peaceful expression asleep upon the couch, I began to convince myself that Fenris would never accept me; it made the guilt a dull ache when I glanced at Anders and wondered if we could be more.

On that thought I snuck out going to see the only other person I felt comfortable around. Making my way through low town, to the alienage. I knocked upon Merrill’s door hoping she was home, she answered swiftly.

"Oh thank the maker it's you, this animal you gave me to care for is driving me mad" she stressed.

Pointing to the little kitten mewing in the corner, I raised an eyebrow she spoke of him as if he were a dangerous beast. "Don't let him fool you, he is soft and fuzzy with razor sharp claws. Look what he has done to my arm" Merrill held out her arm to display the offending marks, he had taken to her like she was a scratching post. I had to hide a smirk as she was deadly serious.

"I am sorry Merrill, I am here to take him off your hands" I assured her.

She didn't look too relieved after her complaints "do you have to take him now?" She asked tentatively.

"I thought he was a menace" I teased.

"He is, but those big eyes" she growled in a mild annoyance "he is a master manipulator, takes his claws to my eluvian, then plays the sweet innocent"

I laughed softly "sorry Merrill, but you knew I would be taking him at some point" I reminded her.

"Oh Hawke you know this is a terrible idea" she groaned, she was about to resume the lecture she had given me last time, when she threw up her hands in frustration.

"It's a gift Merrill, nothing wrong with that" I stated curtly.

"Hawke you know he will be ecstatic, and he will see something in this" she warned.

"Maybe I want to Merrill, he has been there for me" I confessed, hearing it aloud sparked a sense of guilt within me.

She sighed heavily "I don't doubt his devotion, but there is something amiss I can't quite tell what but something in the way he looks at you, it's not just adoration there is something else" she warned me again.

"Anders is not dangerous" I exclaimed.

"No but justice is. I don't want you to get hurt Hawke"

Her sweet honest expression forced me to look away and declare "enough of me, what of you?"

"I need your help, I am sick of asking for favours from you and yet I am in need"

I smiled to myself and stated "I will gladly help you Merrill, what is it?"

"I need to return to my clan, and alone I fear I may loose my nerve" she stammered, her eye casting to ground. I hated that she doubted herself so much.

"Merrill I will gladly back you up, not that you need it, but I will stand behind you, when do you wish to go?" I offered.

"Tomorrow, it is growing dark already, you should get back, and Hawke"

"Yes"

"Be careful" she warned.

I nodded not heeding her words, as she was wrong, Anders was a good man, and I was determined to try and move forward.

I made my way home to find Anders in the kitchen; I took the kitten upstairs, placing it upon a pillow, he look so adorable and sleepy as he curled up. I struggled to return back downstairs as I just wanted to watch him sleep.

I walked down slowly and into the kitchen. Anders had cooked so many times before but now in the candle light his friendly face looked different. I had never noticed how attractive Anders was as Fenris had captured my heart, and then broken it by abandoning me, still feeling torn about it.

In those painful moments when I needed someone there was Anders, he had been here for me. I found my hand reaching for his, my fingers outstretched inches from his, I ached to take his hand, I wanted to love this wonderful man before me but I stopped short, chiding myself for holding back, and for what?

I pulled up recalling the kitten, a poor thank you but I hoped he would appreciate the gesture.

"I got you something" I broke the strained silence. Leaving the room, getting the kitten from my room, it was difficult to part with him especially when he looked at me with those big eyes and mewed.

Anders glanced up when I returned, not seeing the sleepy kitten in my hands. He hadn't even realised I had left the room, which meant he hadn't seen my indecisive attempt to reach out, I was relieved.

"Hold out your hands" I declared.

He extended his hands barely looking me in the eye, what had I done? Oh maker he noticed,I had to distract him and myself.

I placed the half asleep kitten in his cupped hands. His eyes shot up to his hands "when did you? How did you?" He didn't finish a thought, his eyes wide, and a smile brimming under the sudden solemn demeanour.

"I recalled you mentioning sir pounce a lot" I cringed at the name.

He squeaked, looking at him, trying to give him a name. I hoped it wouldn't be a terrible name.

"I can't believe you did this" he seemed more grateful than I had expected.

He went to embrace me, almost forgetting the poor kitten, which was almost crushed in his enthusiastic embrace. The several kisses placed upon my cheeks threatened to become more, but the kitten shocked awake dug his claws into Anders who cursed him under his breath. Pulling him free, and settling him down expertly. I found myself agreeing with Merrill this had been a mistake, as I could tear my eyes off him, he just looked so damn adorable playing with that kitten. I had to stop myself from staring so I asked "what are you going to name him?"

"Marian" he smirked. "Cute, but has sharp claws, very fitting" he laughed. I blushed at the backhanded compliment, and his continued proximity.


	14. Disconnected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris finally meets his sister, but finds it not so easy to connect with his past, leading him to make a strange offer

I had never been so enthused to see land, I didn’t show it, but once my feet felt the sturdy ground beneath the souls of my feet, I felt a relief surge through me, finally I would get some answers. An anxiety began to build when I saw the meeting place, I had no connection to this woman beyond our supposed blood ties, she was a stranger to me. Was I supposed to feel something, a sense of nostalgia for something you can’t recall is hard to muster up, so I felt at a loss. I just stared at the tavern as if I had seen a ghost, my wide eyes took in everything about the building, but I moved no closer to opening that door, I truly did not know what to expect, what awaited me on the other side frightened me more than Danarius and his guards, would any memories resurface from the depths of my mind, and could I handle it.

“Are you still standing here” Isabela chided.

I turned to her glad of the interruption of my spiral of confusion. “Go in already, I will be here once you’re done whatever the outcome” she smiled reassuringly.

I felt no more at ease, but I found my feet moving, and my hand pushed aside the door. Searching a sea of faces for someone unknown to you in a strange, I felt lost, hoping she would recognise me and signal.

I saw a elven woman with bright red hair waving, I couldn’t be sure if it was to me, so I held in place for a moment, but she continued. I wondered over to the table, she embraced me, I remained rigid unable to embrace her back, as sadly she remained a stranger to me, no memories flooded back. As she released me, I looked to her blankly, taking a seat. She seemed enthused to see me “It has been such a long time” she stressed.

I had nothing for her, so I merely nodded. After the strained silence ran too long, I owned what was going on in my head. “I can’t recall anything; you are a stranger to me”

She scrutinised me through narrowed eyes before exclaiming “You really recall nothing?”

In hollow empty words I repeated myself, I wanted to feel something, recall something. My eyes ached as I strained to recall her face, taking in every detail as if it would spark something, but again I was met by that strange void, my freedom had been taken ,but that had not been enough he had to take my life before him as well, I raged within, barely containing my rage. I smiled tightly as she told me of memories of our childhood, her eyes alight with ability to recall it all so clearly, I envied her this. I felt guilty as I felt a greater distance grow between us the more she spoke. This was getting us nowhere, and one day would not be enough to pierce the veil blocking the past from my mind. So I found myself asking her a strange question “Do you wish to return with us, see my life Kirkwall?” I posed awkwardly.

“Yes that’s a wonderful idea” she cried. “I will pack this instant, you will see this trip will change our lives for the better” she assured me.

She bid me farewell calling me by my given name, I had never been referred to as such so I did not respond until she waved, I gave a pained smile.

I was left to wonder if this truly was a good idea, I had no idea whether my memory could return, or whether I would remain disconnected forever, I feared the later was true.

I dragged myself up, my body felt heavy, it was a struggle to pull back outside. I took a deep breath, it failed to relax me, I still felt tense, and confused, no closer to an answer, but a long journey home to hopefully find them. I leant against the tavern wall, crossing my arms tightly across my chest defensively, pulling into myself, wanting to hold the world at bay, it had never to my knowledge had anything good to give me. A hand squeezed my shoulder, I looked up to see Isabela, I felt a sense of disappointment “Not who you were hoping for” she remarked sounded mildly offended.

“Sorry, I was in a world of my own” I apologised.

“As I can see, how did the meeting go?” she inquired tentatively.

“It was strange, she is unknown to me, but yet the only connection to my past that exists. She will be returning with us, I am hoping something will be sparked in that time, or maybe I am expecting too much” I strained wishing I had not revealed so much.

“Fenris you can but try, you know where I am if you need to talk” she offered.

“I know, I am glad of your friendship” I smiled.

I did not notice her wince at the term friend, so I remained oblivious to her feelings, as I could barely register my own. 

The return voyage was surreal; I was trying to connect with my sister and my past with no luck, while unknown to me Isabela was trying to connect with me, but I could not see it, or refused to. I spent much of my time gazing out to sea, the warmth of the sun could not thaw my heart, I felt cold, and closed off, unable to find a way to open up. I feared that the moment I let someone in that only pain would follow as it so often had in the past. I was afraid to step in to that unknown sea of memories that remained out of reach to me, compelled to move forward, to run, but I could not keep running, it was exhausting. I needed to truly feel freedom, break the chains that bound me to this life of slavery, there was more and I longed to see it, know it and live it, but it was still only but a dream that remained free of my grasp.

I did not give up, I continued to try, I pushed myself to my limits, and still I could barely see a glimmer of the past, clouded images revealed nothing to me. I grew frustrated with this painful drawn out process, it was no fair to have to struggle to recall one’s life. It was a vast emptiness as each time I thought I had hold of something it slipped through my fingers, and I was lost again in the darkness. Was my mind protecting me, or was this an exercise in cruelty holding who I was just out of my reach.  
I was sitting down with Isabela after a long day of reminiscing on my sister’s part, and nothing on my side “This is pointless, this is getting us nowhere” I grumbled, giving a voice to that frustration.

“It must be strange to be unable to connect with who you once were” she empathised.

“Yes, it is. And this process feels like a test of patience, and I feel mine running thin” I exclaimed.

She seemed at a loss for words, so she embraced me, holding me tightly, and for longer than necessary, I pulled free, and it pained me to once again push her away in this manner, but I know what she wanted of me, and I was unable to give it, even if it would comfort us both in this moment. She had not spoken of her mission that day, but she had looked more haunted upon her return, had I not been so lost in my own mind, I might have given her pain more credence.

“I am sorry” was all I could manage before I left her bereft.

I felt a mild sense of guilt, this only reminded me that I could feel, but I couldn’t connect with anything or anyone, it remained an exercise in frustration, for all involved. 

When we finally docked in Kirkwall, I knew there was one person here I could connect with, she would be the one set me free of this emptiness, I could already feel the love rushing through me, the need to find her, but I wanted to get my sister settled first, once that was done, I could return to Marian.


	15. Revealed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anders finally has to face the consequences of his actions

I awoke on the couch to find Marian the cat was lying upon my chest purring, I scanned the room spotting Marian observing me from the doorway smiling. I cast a cursory glance over at the real Marian through narrowed tired eyes. I found myself wishing this was her lying upon me, not purring but making a more favourable noises. I pulled up slowly, wondering over to were she was standing. I had not intended to end up so close but my tierd mind didn't quite register the distance, I now found myself pressed against her, the most shocking thing about it was that she did not push me away, her cheeks just flushed adorable shade of red. I took my fingers to her soft skin meshing them into her hair, she closed her eyes signs of enjoyment obvious upon her expression. I had to kiss her, wrong or right I had waited long enough.

"I have wanted to do this for so long" I stated my breath heavy with anticipation.

Our lips were dangerously close, I broke the tension and anticipation by taking away the distance between us, her lips finally meeting mine, I enjoyed the sweetness of her soft wet lips discovering mine, the gentle teasing gave way to the passion we both felt, I pressed my body more urgently to hers, groaning softly into her mouth. I pulled a hand free of her hair to explore her body freely, my hand roamed over her shoulder, down over her breast, I groped gently, hearing her groan into my mouth as I continued down thrilled me. I had her pinned against the wall, and I could have taken her right there and then fucked her against the wall, my urges called for me to do so, but I wanted our first time to be more than that. 

I broke the kiss to whisper "upstairs"

She smiled widely, taking my hand, just as she began to lead me up a knock sounded at the door, then an unwelcome voice called "Marian I know it's late and I am sorry, but I had to see you"

There was no mistaking Fenris's voice, the elf had terrible timing and would reveal my misdeeds if he saw me, both frozen in place we looked to one another confused. I knew why I wasn't rushing to greet his poorly timed arrival, but Marian just looked as if she had seen a ghost. He knocked again persistently until Marian released my hand, I grasped for her absent hand, wanting to tell her everything but I could not. She approached the door wearily, I walked back over to the couch wondering if I ran now how long until the truth was revealed, was it better if I was here to defend myself at the very least. I took a deep breath watching her open the door only an inch, she cast a harsh glare "what do you want?" 

I could tell it wasn't the welcome he had expected. "Let me in please" he pleaded with her for sometime, I hoped he would not sway her, so I could delay the inevitable switch of her distain to me, but she relented letting him in, she still felt something, it tore me up to know it.

I heard them coming this way, I dropped my gaze when they stormed in.

"You" was all I heard before he was at my throat. I strained to breath, luckily he kept his head close enough for me to respond I head butted him, sending him reeling releasing his vice grip.

I took some small joy in watching his nose gush with blood, her growled like a wild animal charging at me again. Hawke ran between us, fenris barely stopped in time.

"What is andrastes name has gotten in to you?" She declared, I looked up expecting to meet her steely gaze, but her eyes were fixed upon Fenris. I knew I was about to be revealed, but I found myself frozen in place, the throb in my forehead not comparing to fear rising within me.

"This snake in the grass, I told him were I was going when I failed to find you, I sent a letter I can be sure he didn't give to you" he hissed.

Marians eyes were wide and sad when she turned to me "is this true?" I could see she hoped it was not, and I hated to disappoint her. I had no defense, so I remained silent, breaking her pained gaze.

"You let me think he abandoned me, ran to get away from me, and you knew this whole time" she cried, I could hear the emotion in her voice, I could not look up.

"How much more proof do you need that mages are twisted creatures" fenris hissed, in his rage he was unaware this would offend Marian, he still has no idea.

I wanted to tell him to shut up, but he kept digging, labouring the point that magic tainted everything in his life. I finally looked up only to see how Marian was coping with his rhetoric. She looked heart broken by his words and my actions, I felt a stab of guilt at the sight.

I couldn't hold my silence any longer "Fenris shut up" I exclaimed.

His fury burned a new in his eyes, glaring at me. "Do you really despise mages this much?" Marian posed in small voice.

"Yes, you know what magic has done to me, how it's ruined me, took my freedom" he reasoned still none the wiser.

"Then I guess you should both leave" she declared.

Fenris was confused, I was not, I felt as if the world slowed as she began pushing me out of hers. 

"I don't understand what's going on here" Fenris exclaimed.

"I am twisted creature" Marian hissed.

"What on earth are you talking about?" Fenris still not quite understand or not wanting to.

"I am Mage" she declared plainly.

"That's not possible, you don't use magic" he reasoned her declaration away.

She was forced to bring fire to life in her palm but given her emotional state it burned at her hand. I was forced to extinguish it, as Marian held to it tears corsing down her cheeks. Tears of pain and sorrow, the horror upon his face destroyed her, when he ran she turned falling into my arms.

I comforted her, hating the sound of her pain, wanting to take it all away but knowing I had caused some of her torment made me feel awful, my heart ached as her body was wracked by her sobs. After a long and difficult time she fell silent, pulling swiftly free of my embrace. I felt the cold rush of her absence, the harshness of her bloodshot glare was upon me.

"I have not forgotten what Fenris said, I can't believe you did this to me, I trusted you" she states her voice shaky, fresh tears formed.

"I wasn't thinking Marian, I was wrong but after you told me you were a Mage I thought I was protecting you from all of this. I failed you, I am so sorry" my throat ached as each word left my lips, it was too little too late.

"Please just go" she stated in a exasperated tone.

I left knowing nothing I said would ease her pain, or mine, so we both suffered in silence.

With a heavy heart I returned to my clinic, thankful to see it bustling for once, I aided as many as my energy allowed. Leaving me exhausted but feeling my pain ease by helping those I could, for now my pain and Marian's would remain. 

The worst side effect of being away from her side was how it gave justice back his strength his voice grew louder, as did his conviction. He called Marian a distraction, and now that was over we had more important matters to deal with, and I had to see them done. 

I found my contacts in the under ground railroad for mages, I had to reacquaint myself with the goings on in Kirkwall, I was horrified to discover the truth, and how dire things truly were, I felt guilty for pushing my Mage brothers and sisters aside. But justice reminded me, I needed Marian, and her new found power, she could help the Mage cause, so a new foul plan was taking shape, and again poor Marian would be dragged into it. She would have been safer not revealing herself as a Mage to me, justice saw opportunity not the woman I loved, he didn't care for love.


	16. Dazed and confused

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke is left reeling

I didn't know quite what to do with myself I felt so restless, angry and hurt. I paced back and forth, paying little mind to the sting of the burns upon my palm. I made the mistake of stopping for a moment and all I could see was that look of Horror upon Fenris's face, and the pain that coursed through me now when I thought of Anders, only moments ago things seemed like they were moving forward, but just like everything else in this hell hole it was an illusion, I wasn't meant to be happy or find love, I was meant to be alone. I sat upon the bottom step looking into the vast emptiness, the void grew within me. The silence without Anders here was deafening, I couldn't stay here another second, I had to escape these memories that threatened to lead me to confronting one of them. I was not ready to see either of them, I had no idea what I would do if I did. I loved and hated them both with equal measure, so the only cure for such ills was a good friend or a good ale, I decided to have both, locking up and heading toward the hanged man. The walk there passed in a blur of anxious energy as I powered my way to lowtown, storming in. I only stopped to look for Varric, my eyes fell upon a hushed crowd, and I knew that only he could have captured their attentions, holding them in suspense.

I ordered a flagon of ale, and I watched as the crowd enthralled burst into a fit of laughter as Varric embellished a recent mission of ours. I raised my eyes as his descriptions weren't all too flattering, but it was for entertainment value, so I brushed it off. I recalled he had told me that it made me seem more relatable, I laughed to myself, knowing what had really happened. He finished his tale, the crowd slowly dispersed, some to the bar others left. I waved, raising my eyebrow as I approached "I did not scream like a banshee when I saw those spiders thank you very much" I remarked as I took a seat at the table he had claimed as his own.

Varric laughed taking a seat beside me "You were pretty close to it though, I recall that look upon your face" he teased.

"It's the people who like creepy crawlies you need to worry about" I joked, a ghost of smile taking to my lips.

"What do I owe the pleasure of your company to?" Varric pressed.

"Can a friend not visit another friend" I replied haughtily. I didn't want to be pressed into talking, as I didn't want to step into the storm of emotions raging within me. I looked down into my ale, swirling the amber liquid around absentmindedly.

"Do you want to talk Hawke?" Varric ventured, taking a consoling hand to my shoulder.

"I would rather not" I groaned in exasperation, feeling my shoulders sag under the weight of the emotion. I threw the ale back, barely tasting the brew. Only a bitter aftertaste lingered, I looked to Varric with a pained expression.

"Ah, would you like another?" he gestured to the newly emptied flagon.

"Yes. I would" I strained fighting the wave of emotion that was threating to rush over me, my eyes misted over. I was glad that Varric had wondered over to the bar, he would usually call whoever was working over, they knew him well despite his lack of actual drinking he remained a regular and a fixture here, and they loved him. He was a good friend, he sensed I needed a moment to compose myself and he found a way to give that to me. I tried to not let my mind wonder, I blinked my burning eyes open. I tried to focus on my surroundings, looking to those making merry, and those like me drowning their sorrows. I noticed a man holding to his drink like it was his only friend, he must have felt my gaze upon him as he turned. He met my inquisitive stare with an icy glare, his eyes reddened in a way I had only seen upon templars who abused lyrium. He looked familiar, but I couldn't quite place him. His expression softened when he noticed my eyes looked more sorrowful than his own. He pulled up and walked unsteadily away. I just waited for Varric who was taking his damn time, I was about to turn to see what the hold up was when a weight strained the bench, I turned swiftly to see the same man, I was prepared to tell him to get lost, but he didn't say anything beyond "you looked like you needed the company" his words slurred. The only thing he offered me was a lopsided grin before he turned back to his drink, nursing it. We sat in a strange companionable silence, it was oddly comforting to have him there.

When Varric returned to the table he asked "Is this man bothering you Hawke?" 

"No, he is ok" I remarked.

"Nicest thing anyone has said about me in some time" he joked. "But I see you have friends, I will leave you be" he stammered before dragging himself up.

"I don't mind you staying" I offered, placing a hand upon his arm.

A flash of anger appeared in his bloodshot eyes "I do not need your pity" he slurred in a broken hiss.

"It is nothing like that" I assured him.

His eyes struggled to focus upon my sincere expression, he was a nice distraction. He brushed off my hand, and continued to leave, I did not try and stop him if this was how he felt I could hardly reason with him. Once he left Varric looked to me with a bemused expression as if I had lost my mind.

"What?" I exclaimed.

"You're choosing strange company these days" he remarked.

He had no idea, or maybe he did, I had spent so long in a bubble with Anders after losing my mother I had not seen anyone. I grasped the ale he had placed by my hand, downing it in one go. "Maker Hawke. I take it you expect me to get back up" he grinned, but his eyes betrayed a look of concern.

"No its fine, I will go" I clucked, then sauntered over to the bar.

I waved to the barmaid, she was busy so she didn't see me. I became rigid when the warmth and pressure of a body pressed against my back, pushing me against the wooden counter. I gasped, my senses were only slightly dulled, so if I had chosen to I could have knocked them out cold. The voice from earlier whispered into my ear "I can help you forget your pain in other ways" his breath warm against my neck as he slurred his offer.

I should have been disgusted, I should have realised this would only complicate matters but I was intrigued, and mildly titillated by his boldness. He pulled back, and led me outside, there was crispness to the air, I shivered. He led me into an ally way, he was shivering despite his state of inebriation. "I can keep us warm." I offered, setting a fireball alight in my hand.

His unfocused eyes widened, he pulled his hand free of mine "Fuck, I knew it was too good to be true, a fucking mage. Your kind has caused me enough trouble" he spat before he staggered away into the night. 

Leaving me feeling a greater sense of rejection, I couldn't hold back anymore, I dropped against the wall sliding to ground, and in that dark ally I howled out my agony, any passers-by would just assume I was a drunken fool. My mind was spinning, the betrayal, the rejection, and grief consumed me. I heard a voice call out "Hawke?"

I lifted my head for a moment to see Varric with a panicked expression "Hawke, are you ok?" he cried desperately as he rushed to my side. "The barmaid said you followed guy out here. He didn't?" He couldn't finish the sentence, anger and disgust cut across his face.

"No" I strained. "He ran off just like Fenris when he found out I was a mage" I couldn't stop the truth escaping my lips, I prayed Varric wouldn't add to my pain with his reaction.

I need not have worried, he smiled weakly, dropping beside me, easing me into a protective embrace. "He is a fool. Your my friend Hawke and that is all that matters to me."

We remained in that ally way for some time, Varric comforting me as I babbled amidst tears. Eventually it got too cold, and Varric pulled up and helped me to my unsteady feet. Taking me back into the warm, leading me to his room, giving me his bed despite my protests. I would have gladly slept upon the floor, I just didn't want to go home, or be alone. "Don't scare me like that again would you" Varric chided.

"I won't." Was all I could manage, I was thankful for his friendship. 

I was too drained to get embroiled in another emotional display. So I croaked "Thank you" before I dropped onto his bed. My throat and eyes were raw from the tears, and cries of anguish. My pride was sore, and I was mildly embarrassed that I had been willing to do anything or anyone to forget. It was fortuitous that my magic sent him running, bringing us both to our senses. The additional rejection burned like the fire that had lit up my palm. I still felt lost, and confused, and desperate to not have to feel any of the pain that added to pressure in my chest. But I guess I had no choice but to suffer, I had been bottling it up for too long. I drifted off to the sound of my own soft whimpers, into a painful haze of heavy emotions, and torturous memories.


	17. Freedom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will freedom for Fenris come at too high of a price?

I couldn't believe that Hawke was a mage, I had felt pained to see her broken expression but I couldn't control the urge to leave. How could the one thing that had single handily ruined my life, now be embodied in the one person that had begun to make me feel things could come together. These shattered pieces of what and who I am would have to be once again my burden alone to put together. My sister had seemed very instant that we meet up tomorrow, her enthusiasm was yet to be infectious, I recalled only flashes.

"I can tell you're starting to remember Leto. We should make sure this continues, we will talk more tomorrow." She promised.

These flashes of a life I felt no connection to did not fill me with the same enthusiasm she exuded, I could see the images, but it was like looking at a picture, I could see it but I had no memory of it. Wandering through these memories was like walking through a crowded room, seeing faces I knew but couldn't quite place. I wracked my brain, and only end up with a headache. There was nothing to link or cue these memories to become more. It was just frustrating.

I returned to my mansion, it seemed empty. I had never felt so strange in all my time here, it was as cold as its previous owner. The thought of Danarius sparked anger, but as I tried to remain focused upon my hate, my mind drifted to Hawke. I had hoped Hawke and I could drink to maybe starting something real like we had spoken about, putting down roots and starting a life. What a fool I had been, I felt the fury return. I could not stop myself from destroying the furniture and rooms, the mansion may as well match how I felt I thought as I punched my hand through a wall, the pain did not faze me I had suffered worse.

My energy began to slowly ebb away, and all I was left with was chaos that reminded me of the pain stabbing in my heart. My mind was so conflicted, I was not shocked by Anders trying to take her from me, but it did boil my blood. I could recall Hawke's expression when as I turned away, it was this that gave me pause, I had never intended to hurt her. I wanted to go back to her and tell her it was all ok, but it seemed like so many things had gone unsaid and unraveled us. 'Was there even anything left to salvage?'

I looked around the mansion, the holes I had myself punched through the walls, I had to accept my own part in this. I should have spoken to Hawke myself, but I had chosen to leave it to fate, and it had destroyed us.

I tried to find peace, but I just found myself wondering aimlessly from room to room. Disconnected memories called to me as I wandered, but I still felt nothing. It was probably fortunate that I couldn’t feel anything.

I looked to the timepiece noting that it we drawing to the hour my sister had insisted we meet, I felt a need to ask Hawke to be there, but would it be cruel to ask her to accompany me if I could not accept her, what right did I have to ask her? I pushed that thought out of my racing mind and focused upon making my way to the hanged man.

It was a long walk, many thoughts raced through my mind. I had to shake them as I reached the hanged man. Once I stepped inside, I saw Varric I took over to what he now referred to as his table. I walked over and sat across from him, his eyes widened upon seeing me. I didn’t understand the reason for his startled expression until I saw Hawke bringing over drinks; she looked as if she had not slept. Her usually bright eyes were dull, her skin a shade pale, and her hand's none too steady as the ale splashed onto the ground. I felt a stab of guilt, the fury over her being a mage did not surface. I dropped my eyes when she saw me, but not fast enough I saw how she looked destroyed by my presence. Varric was the one to break the tension that was building in the pained silence.

“Look...broody I think you need to go.”

I didn't know how to respond, nothing I said would cover how ashamed and confused I felt. I wanted to tell her I was sorry that she felt I had abandoned her, I wanted to reach out, tell her that magic would not tear us apart, but I said nothing. I just pulled up, and I wished I had not glanced at her, the tears streaming down her cheeks only made me feel worse.

I could see my sister, but she was not alone, that was strange. And just when I thought this day could not get any worse I saw him, Danarius. What was he doing here?

"What are you doing here!?" I spat.

"Is that any way to greet your master?" He returned in a condescending tone that made me want to tear his throat out.

"I belong to no one. And you brought him here?" I cried in fury and shock.

I should have seen this betrayal coming, anything for power. "I could not turn down such an offer." She stated as if that explained her actions, I was disgusted, I had wasted my time trying to find my family, and in the process losing the one person who had truly cared for me.

"I will not go without a fight," I warned pulling the long blade free of its holding readying myself to take as many of them down as I could.

"You can't hope to defeat us, you are clearly outnumbered." Danarius's ugly face twisted with a sickly smile, he thought he had me.

I was shocked to hear a voice call out "He is not alone."

I turned to see Hawke unarmed but ready to fight, Varric had Bianca ready to fire. "Hawke I..."

She shook her head, her eyes pleading me not to continue not that I had any idea what I wanted to say, I was grateful that despite me tearing her heart out that she was willing to aid me in taking down this snake, breaking this leash for good.

Varric called out to any still foolish enough to not have fled when the situation began. "Patrons of the hanged man I suggest leaving now, this is about to get ugly." He cast his eyes to Danarius and remarked "Uglier."

You could hear the scraping of chairs and the door slamming multiple times before silence reigned. I would have smiled but I was so focused on my revenge, my eyes turned upon Danarius. He, of course, sent his lackeys in first , he didn't like getting his hands dirty unless he had no choice. It seemed he was so sure that we would be easily defeated he only sent a small number of guards at us. Two of them made a beeline for me, blades in hand.

I took down the two running at me with cold calculation, evading their spells, and separating their heads from their bodies. Like stuff of legends, a snake with many heads, all of which had to be cut to kill the vile beast. Hawke cast spells as if she had never spent a day hiding her gift, she threw barriers up to protect both myself and Varric from harm. When a blade found flesh, I felt a warmth take across the torn skin knitting the skin. She was more skilled that we knew. 

Varric fired cover shots when we needed to move, and saw off the stragglers of Danarius's band of lackeys. He, of course, had more guards he considered expendable, he sent them all at us. These were not as easy as the last, I only wanted to fight my way through to that bastard. A shield bash forced me to stagger, I used the momentum and pain to my advantage, rolling at speed to plunge a blade into his back. A flash and a painful surge of lightening told me that a mage was hidden within this group of guards dressed alike his brothers in arms, I zeroed in on him. Using the lyrium to gain a greater speed, before his mana could replenish. I took some joy in tearing out his heart, merely practicing for ending his master. Hawke, and Varric seemed to have dealt with the rest, as I was able to walk toward Danarius unopposed. 

He now stood alone, he tried to focus a barge of fire upon me but Hawke saw me protected, breaking the binding of his spell cutting him off from his mana. He was powerless for that moment and that all I needed, I seized him by the throat lifting him with little difficulty, my rage fuelled me. "It is over." I spat.

I plunged my hand into his chest as the lyrium coursed through me, dragging his cruel heart from his chest, and taking delight in crushing it, watching it explode in my vice like grip. His eyes were now empty, no longer would he order me or any man. I was free. It was difficult to believe, despite being thankful that I no longer need look over my shoulder, I felt unsure where to go from here. I had spent so long on the run, so long focused upon one goal. I looked to the blood stained hand that had seen to my freedom, I felt the tacky blood between my fingers. I had to look once more to assure myself this was no dream, he truly was dead. I turned, looking down upon him. That cruel twisted smile was gone, that power over me I had taken back long ago, but this finally gave me that elusive freedom.

I turned, I could see my sister cowering in a corner. I felt that fury surge a new. "You?!"

I was about to turn upon her for her betrayal, but I heard Varric exclaim "Hawke."

I turned to see Hawke keel over. Varric caught her in his arms, he was trying to rouse her as I reached her side. She remained still, and silent. She looked weakened, it frightened me to see her drained like this, I had only seen her as a power to be reckoned with. Varric felt frantically for a pulse and finally exclaimed. "She is alive thank the maker..Shit... she doesn't look good. We will have to take her to blondie." He cast his eyes to me as if he expected me to object.

"Whatever saves her life," I replied hastily.

I no longer cared about the fate of my sister, only that of Hawke. I pulled her free of Varric's arms, I knew who we had to take her to, and although I loathed doing so, I would not lose her again.


	18. Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anders wants more than anything to save Marian

I was sitting in my clinic taking a moment to reflect after aiding a group of mages to escape the Templars. It had been difficult to find them safe passage. Despite the difficulties Justice and I found a way. He was stronger at times. It was exhausting and surreal to be an observer in your own body. I had so far always had the strength and ability to return but I was growing weaker. Soon there would be less of me and more of him. I feared the day vengeance would take me, all rational thought fading from my grasp, only a puppet to his will. I could no longer be sure who was pushing who over the edge. Had I changed him or him me?

Before I could spiral any further a sudden commotion arose of people calling my name. I looked up to see Fenris, Varric and Aveline rushing in. My heart sunk when I noticed Hawke in Fenris’s arms. She was pale, and limp. ‘Maker, no’

Fenris lay her upon one of the empty cots. “What in Maker’s name happened?” I cried.

I focused upon her. I heard her breathing but it was weak and labored. “Is someone going to tell me what happened?” I pressed.

Fenris wouldn’t look me in the eye. His armor was bloodstained. It was Varric who stepped forward, looking weary, “Anders, she used magic, a lot of it. I am no mage but I could tell it was powerful stuff. And now she won’t wake up. We tried all the conventional methods.”

“This must be bad if you’re calling me Anders. Her body wasn’t ready to wield such power. She is in shock. Hawke is in the fade. Her body is trying to recover. But she has never been to the fade before. She is likely to become lost or fall prey to worse,” I remarked sadly.

I hated to see Hawke like this, but I had vowed to let her be, let her live her life. I couldn’t leave her to such a fate. Looking upon her now stirred the feelings I was trying to suppress. I didn’t want to love her, if she was foolish enough to love that narrow minded elf. My heart lurched at the thought of a world without her. I could imagine I was the only one who would be willing to enter that place to get to her. Fenris hated magic and I recalled he had fallen to the sway of demons upon our last visit. Was I hoping to be her mage in shining armor? I had not stopped loving her but was it even possible to be with her given Justice’s pushing me away from her. The only thing that made me reticent was that justice would be the one in charge in fade and he cared nothing for her, saw her as distraction, I could feel a strange sinister intent growing. I could not go. It would have to be Fenris but I recalled last time he had fallen prey to the whispers of demons to easily. Who would not turn upon her?

I finally declared, “Someone needs to go into the fade and get her. It doesn’t have to be a mage, with the right spell anyone can go. And then they can draw you both back.”

I was so conflicted. I wanted desperately to run to her, but would I be the one to reach her, or would justice push me aside with ease and do maker knows what. I was rooted to the spot feeling helpless.

“They?” Aveline echoed. “Can you not get her, Anders?”

Aveline’s eyes now set upon me. I had the power, more than enough lyrium to enter the fade. I couldn’t very well tell them that I feared justice wanted Hawke gone. “I think it would be better if it was another.”

Their suspicion now was turned upon me until Fenris added with a heavy sigh and wide eyes, “I will go.”

I didn’t mean to remark so hastily. But it slipped out. “You?”

“Yes, I may hate the place but for her I will do it.” He seemed determined.

“Fenris, that is gallant of you but last time-” I began.

“-She did this for me. Let me do this for her. I am well aware of what happened last time. I will not fail her, not this time.”

Varric was shifting nervously, “I will go with him…you know, for back up.”

“Fine,” I declared in annoyance.

I wasn’t annoyed at them. I wanted to be the one to save her. The one to bring her back but every time I even considered it that darkness grew in the recesses of my mind. It turned my stomach to even suggest this but it was for her so my pride was not more important. “Someone go and get Merrill, and any other mages you can, this will be easier with more power.”

Aveline nodded and rushed out, leaving me with Fenris and Varric. They both looked as if they were steeling their nerve for the journey. This would be a race against time, and the longer she was there the more danger she was in. I hated to think of her lost and afraid, I knew she was tough and resilient but she had not dealt with any of this before.  
I took her hand and whispered, “You are not alone. We are coming for you.”

She was beyond my words. She suddenly began to convulse upon the cot, babbling. The only word I could make out as I strained to hear her was “Get away.” And the terror in those few words sped me into action.

Without thinking I grabbed what remained of my current lyrium supply and began casting. I could see the furrowed brows and scowls of Varric and Fenris. Their lips were moving but I could no longer hear a word. I could only assume they were calling for me to stop. I knocked Fenris and Varric to ground as they attempted to rush to stop me.  
I set my mind upon Marian, I had to get to her and I had to be myself when I found her. I left Varric and Fenris reeling upon the clinic floor. The room slowly faded from view and I found myself in the fade a familiar place, and yet it was not how I remembered it. It seemed darker and colder. It was chaotic like being caught in midst of storm. This must be Marian’s mind shaping the place, it was an unknown to her and her emotions were overwhelming her, making this place that of nightmares. Strange imposing structures seemed to stand out in the dark corners of this fearful place, every building I wondered by trying to get my bearings was in disrepair. The structures appeared so fragile as if at any moment everything would just crumble, any slight motion would wreak havoc in this nightmare she had unknowingly created. The foundations and landscape stood testament to the disarray her mind was in. All her fears spilling out giving shape to the dark precarious towers, and the uneven ground beneath my feet. 

This out pouring of despair was a beacon to the demons. They were now scouring the place for the new escape they could sense. A mortal in the throes of terror would be an easy target. They would feed upon her fear and use it against her. I had to find her fast before these things consumed her. I threw my hand up to the strange forceful winds howling about me, it was difficult to see the way forward as so much of it was cast in shadow. I slowly continued forward all the while having to listen to justice’s cruel whispers. It was requiring a lot of my energy to hold him back. The fade was justices home not mine. But I couldn’t let him get control, I would get to Marian faster but to what end?  
So I pushed forward slowly alone, and into darkness. But I need not have worried as to how I would find her, it would be the same way the demons were tracking her. You could hear muffled cries in the distance. “Where am…” “Maker what…”

The terror was evident in those broken words. I had to get to her, fast. I pushed harder against the resistance of the wind, planting one foot in front of another, following the sound of her cries. I fought against her fear and Justices words of discouragement. Holding him at bay was no easy task. A constant pressure crushed my chest as justice pressed to gain control.

I had enough energy to give my staff light to hold back the darkness, making the path clearer to walk. But this only allowed me to see and feel the depths of her fears. It was harrowing. The roads were jagged and twisted, darkness lurked about every corner. I was beginning to think myself lost in this labyrinth she had created but her cries were becoming louder and clearer to me. 

“Where am I? Maker what is this hell? Help me some body, please.”

Each word was heavy with emotion and strained. I rounded a corner. I was shocked by the sight of Hawke with her knees pulled to her chest, her cheeks streaked with tears. She was shaking uncontrollably.

“Back, demon!” She yelped.

I held up my hands to assure her I meant her no harm. “Hawke, it is me Anders,” I tried to calm her with soothing tones.

But it seemed that her nerves were so frayed she didn’t know what to believe or trust. “Demons lie,” she whimpered.

“Yes they do. But I am here to help.” 

I hoped she would believe me before the swarm of demons found us. I held out my hand to her, pleading with my eyes for her to take it, to trust me even though I knew she had a right not to. “Look into my eyes. You know me, Marian.”

A fear demon cried in the distance as if it had caught our scent and like a blood hound it was tracking us. I took a deep breath, I would have dragged her free of that corner kicking and screaming but I didn’t want to alert every single demon of our whereabouts. So I tried once more to convince her. “I know you have every right to not trust me given what I have done but please know that I am here to save you from this place.”

She looked to me with suspicious eyes, her eyes locked upon mine for some time it was rather unnerving. I could only hope this meant she was considering my words.


	19. Where am I?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke wakes to find herself lost. Has she lost everything?

I awoke in a terrifying place, with nothing but dark and shifting shadow surrounding me. I fear to step forth into it as I felt an anxious edge growing with me as if there is something dangerous in there, something to fear. I try desperately to recall how I had ended up in this place and when that fails I am forced to wonder where am I? A pressure grows upon my chest, my heart lurches as an inhuman cry rings out. I couldn’t recall ever feeling such terror to make a single step, my fear feels like a tightening around my throat. I closed my eyes and tried to will this place away but when I opened my eyes I am still here. The shadow has receded enough to reveal twisted sculptures that only leave me feeling cold, was this intimidating beast what awaits me? The statue towers over me, it's many arms, and marble eyes all seem fixed upon me. I shiver at the thought of meeting it. I hear a cry sound out once more. I flee back my corner. Pulling my knees to my chest, tears unbidden course my cheeks. I am lost and alone.I can’t remember anything. My mind is foggy. And the fog seems impenetrable, any effort to pass through it leads to a strange dull throbbing that lingers. Is this a warning not to push my mind too far? Is this a delusion, have I lost my mind?

Not knowing is what seems to be holding me here, rooting me to this spot. An uncontrollable shaking begins as I slowly pulled up. I feel unbalanced as I stagger a cautious foot forward. I tentatively place my foot upon the ground all the while praying it wouldn’t crumble beneath me. With that step placed I manage another with the same weariness. I begin to pace not wishing to venture too far into the darkness. I fear to lose my way as I fear I would be lost forever in that darkness. I did not know this place and yet this shadow feels familiar as does the fear of it. I press my mind again to try and recall anything but it was like my mind is broken, I reached out desperately for the shards of my shattered psyche but I find I cut myself upon them, feeling only pain and frustration at the inability to draw them together. Was I dead? If this was the afterlife, I was sure this was not how I had imagined it, it was cold and frightening. What had I done to be sent to this darkness place? What misdeeds had sent me here, I couldn’t draw upon memory as it continued to evade me. 

The screech of the beast sounded closer leading my heart to hammer within my chest. I fear that somehow it can hear my heart pounding, the blood loud rushing of blood through my ears. I begin speaking aloud without meaning to, a mantra, “Where am I? Maker, what is this hell? Help me, someone, please.”

No one responds to my pleas. And my mind leaves me lost ad confused. I continued in vain to stammer out the words as the tremor of my voice is preferable to the silence threatening to swallow me whole. My tears flow freely; my fear seems to have control here, in this unknown darkness. I can’t find the ability to fight this overwhelming feeling of doom. I feel like I am drifting, in a dream, not a dream, a nightmare without end. I return to my corner feeling a little less terrified there. The longer I stare into the shadows the more it begins to look like they are reaching for me, so I close my eyes and try to focus on my heavy breath, not the now numerous cries of the beasts awaiting me in those shadows.

I open my eyes only when the sound of footsteps forced my head to snap up. Maker it has found me. I am doomed. I have no idea what I could do to hold off the attack, so I cry out, “back demon!”

His voice was like hypnotic and calming, he spoke a name. It must be mine but I do not know it, it rings out a little hollow in this void. His face is not familiar to me.

“Demons lie,” I cry out as he tries to step closer. I do not know how I know that.

He holds back. I hear that cry again but it does not emanate from the person before me. I cannot recall if I should trust him as he seems to know me, but I know I have few choices. I fear to remain here, but it also feels like a risk to trust this man offering me a way out. I look into his eyes hoping to get a sense of him but I only feel a strange confusion looking upon him.

I take his outstretched hand after taking a deep breath. He leads me out of my corner, into an eerie expanse, a dark and twisted place. All imagery seeks to evoke fear and it succeeds. I find myself clinging to this stranger, he pulls his arm around me and whispers, “I will get you out of here. Just focus on one foot before the other, think of nothing more.”

I do as he suggests, I feel unable to remain anxious as it takes so much to focus on such a simple task. The darkness seems to draw back as if allowing us to pass. A shadow flickers in the corner of my eye, my focus is drawn into the distance. But this shadow is not distant a demon draws up before me, it is terrifying. It has no eyes but I can tell it sees me. The dread I feel paralysis me. The person beside me pulls urgently at my arm.

Tentacles cover its eyes, its emaciated bony body hovers off the ground. Its claw-like hand is held out toward me. Long claws protrude from its back and begin to close around me like a cage. I cannot move. It speaks to me in a soft whisper, “I can take away the fear. You need not feel it ever again, let me help you.”

Its promises feel enticing despite its horrific appearance I feel my hand drawing closer to its claw. I want to no longer feel this crippling terror. I want to escape and it makes such tempting promises. 

A loud voice tears me from my trance, “This demon only wishes to use your fear against you to gain freedom!”

I fall away from the demons reach. The person that stood with me is now alight. His eyes glow blue, his anger directed to the demon still closing upon me. A flash of light escapes his hand, the demon screams in pain as it falls back. It is in that moment his eyes return to normal. But I feel afraid of him, he too is dangerous. I run into the shadow to escape them both. I cannot see where I am going but I continue running regardless. My heart aches with the effort and strain, my fear lingers. I jump at the sight of shadows as I fear they may take form. But before I can realise it, I am lost. The darkness seems to stretch on forever. I can’t find my way, I am lost.

I find myself turning left and right, running in what feels like endless circles. I have no way of knowing if I am making my out or further into the shadow as I can see nothing. I can not even see the ground beneath my feet, but it is there as I feel my feet hit against it. I seem to find a break in the darkness but find that same demon draw up in front of me as if it was waiting for me. I scream in terror. It no long whispers, it shrieks in my mind as loudly as my own cries ring out. The pain forces me to my knees before it. I am at its mercy. I am doomed. I keep my eyes on it although I do not wish to see it's cruel visage any longer. I draw back from the claw it extends to grab for me. I do not wish to look upon it any longer, but I must. Another bright flash forces the demon back, and breaks through the darkness.

It appears to be the same person as before, I do not run. I am frightened of him but he has saved me twice from the demon and the darkness of this place. I take his hand as he offers it. His eyes now a deep brown, it as if he is two people in one body. I do not fear his brown eyes, but his blue startling eyes frighten me as there is something about them that feels like a darkness growing. I can only pray that the brown eyed man means me no harm as I fear the other may do so.

I follow his lead and I find myself at the edge of a cliff. I gasp and draw to a sudden stop, dragging my heels in an effort to avoid tumbling over but I feel a hand pressing me forward, the floor falls from beneath me, I am falling forward. I scream. I close my eyes and await the pain of impact but it does not come. I feel that same hand holding to me, keeping me from dropping to my death. I dare not open my eyes as I do not wish to look down at my doom.

I hear that same deep angry voice cry out, “This is a warning, you will not deviate from this new purpose you have given me. Do so and I will destroy her, you hear me?”

I pray under my breath, shaking uncontrollably. I was right to not trust the other, he does wish me harm. I escape one demon to fall into step with another, this place is perilous. I still fear I will not survive.

I feel a pull back to solid ground. Dare I open my eyes?

They flash open as footsteps draw to me. I find myself looking up into those pained brown eyes. He drops down to my side pulls me into his arms and cries, “I am sorry, Marian. I wish it was not this way. I love you, but I cannot be with you. I do not wish to put you at risk like this ever again.”

He draws me back from him, I do not understand his words and yet I feel a sadness within me. He pulls me back to him, his lips meeting mine softly. It feels strange, a pleasant shiver runs through me and yet it tears at my heart, I have no idea why. I feel tears track my cheeks as he breaks away. I feel a desperate need to cling to him and not let him go. Who is he to me? He helps me up, but his eyes do not meet mine again as we make our way free of this place.

A blinding light tears through the darkness and I watch this place fade away, I find myself looking into his brown eyes and the pain cuts through me.

I jolt up. I am not in that place anymore, I feel relieved. I do not recognise this place, nor any of the faces before me. And those brown eyes have left a haunting memory in my mind, it feels like my first memory as I can recall them with such clarity. Was it all a dream or a nightmare? I feel as though I may have escaped that place but I lost something else in there along with my memory. I could not see the man who had saved me, I had hoped to wake up to see him, those brown eyes assuring me I would okay, those arms shielding me from the darkness. Maybe it was a dream but he had seemed like the only real thing in that place. I was sad to find that was not the case, he was lost to me. 

"Hawke, you're awake," A man with shocking white hair proclaims.

He takes my hand and smiles. His smile is comforting and his hand feels natural in mine. I can not bring myself to tell the hopeful faces that surround me I have no memory of them.


	20. Bringing back memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris grows desperate to find a way to bring Hawke's memory back.

I had tried all I could think of, meditations and links to her past but nothing worked. She looked to me with a deadpan expression and would often forget my name and need reminding. It was difficult. I finally had Hawke back and my own memories were slowly returning, all of them. But did I truly have her? As most nights since she suffered terrible nightmares, from which she woke up screaming. She would seem to calm for a moment until her screams were renewed and now directed at me. My heart lurched every time she cried, "Who are you? Why are you in my home? Take what you want and leave."

She had forgotten me and when her panic abated she would pretend that everything was fine but I knew better. I knew her but she no longer knew me. She had helped me so I wished to do the same for her but it was a struggle as each morning I would become a little more deflated by the lack of recognition in her beautiful eyes. Her being a mage had seemed to fade into the backdrop as her memory and her health were my only concern. 

I crept upstairs hoping to find Hawke sleeping peacefully but alas she was tossing and turning, sweat holding her hair to her face. She was mumbling something. I couldn't make out her words from the doorway so I crept closer wondering if her ramblings held the key to jogging her memory. I felt desperate enough to seek answers anywhere. As I drew closer she muttered in a mild panic, "No, go away."

I froze. My heart sunk as for a moment I thought she had stirred and was talking to me. But her eyes were still firmly shut but fluttering. So I waited my body rigid wondering what she would say next. "Who are you?"

These words were revealing nothing. My shoulders slumped. I cautiously took a seat at her bedside taking my hand to her tempered brow. It seemed to soothe her, there was that at least. "The man with blue eyes wants to hurt me," she whimpered.

I felt a strange relief to know she wasn't talking about me but I was also concerned by her words. Who was this blue-eyed man she spoke of? Maybe when my mind was clear I would be able to put the pieces together but for now, I knew what awaited me. It would be another day of her looking at me with confusion, forcing smiles and stilted conversation as she tried to pretend that nothing was wrong. I had no wanted to admit it but I needed help. Varric knew Hawke before I met her so maybe he could spark a memory. I had to do something different as this was slowly killing me. I would reach out for her hand during dinner some nights and she would pull her hand away. Her eyes would drop and she would rush out of the room as if something had spooked her. I would sigh and feel a burning in my eyes. But I couldn't let her see me like this. I had to put on a brave face. What good would it do if I added to her troubles? I readied myself to leave and called up, "Hawke I am going out for a moment. I will be back soon."

I was met by a stony silence which made me wistful for the days Hawke wouldn't stop talking. The silence in this house was tense and I always felt as if she was waiting at the top of the stairs with the words on the tip of her tongue but something was stopping her and I intended to find out what. Walking from high town to low town was always a little depressing, to what the vast homes turn into shacks, and the clean streets of high town became the packed streets of low town. But the streets were not just packed with stalls there were homeless and struggling people begging on every corner. I always managed to walk these streets un-harassed. I could be sure whether it was the markings or the great sword strapped to my back that kept people at bay but I was thankful for the peace. My mind was full of enough worries as selfish as it sounds I did not want more. Approaching the hanged man I was forced to pull back as they cast a man out. He looked more than worse for wear, as he could barely pull himself up to protest. He staggered away and for a moment I thought he looked familiar. His bloodshot eyes seemed to be from more than alcohol and his brown hair was a matted mess. He took a shaky hand across his face, pausing on the weeks of untamed stubble across his lip and chin. I thought maybe I should help him but as if reading my mind he slurred, "What are you looking at?"

I couldn't afford the trouble this would cause me as I had to get into the Hanged man, not be stopped at the door. So I held up my hands in a non-threatening motion and backed away. Leaving the man to struggle left me with a mild sense of guilt but I had other matters to deal with, matters much closer to my heart. The woman I cared deeply for was slipping through my fingers. She had taken that risk for me and I couldn't abandon her now. Walking into the hanged man I was greeted by a sly smile from Isabela, I barely nodded in response and continued on to find Varric. As usual, I found the Dwarf surrounded by an enamored crowd, they seemed to be hanging on his every word. I do not know how he did it, his charm and ability to tell a good story intrigued me but never captured me the way it did others. If he was a mage I would be sure he had them under a spell. I took a seat at his table and awaited him to finish his tale. Smiling and shaking my head I listened to him embellish fights I had myself witnessed. He must have spotted me as I heard him declare, "I will have to continue this another time a friend is in need of my aid. As always, the dashing dwarf to the rescue."

I furrowed my brow but a smile betrayed my amusement at his exclamation. "Dashing dwarf?" I quipped.

"Always. Brains, Brawn, and looks. I am the whole package.." he grinned, "but I am sure you're not here to hear things you already know as truths." He was smiling but as he took a seat beside me his grin faded and a stern expression took its place. "I know why your here."

"You do?"

He swallowed thickly. "It's Hawke. The way she looked at us it was as if she had never seen us before."

"What can we do to bring her back?" I exclaimed with a hint of desperation.

"I hate to say this Fenris but I think you will need a mage for this one. Daisy...or Blondie."

I tightened my fists at the mere mention of him. Hadn't he done enough? He couldn't be trusted but did I trust Merrill's blood magic to not make things worse. I dropped my head into my hands. It was frustrating that my words and our walks had done nothing to bring her back. Pulling my head back up I looked at Varric. It was strange to see such a serious look upon his countenance. "I do not trust either of them," I confessed.

"I know but what other choice do we have? As it was magic that drained her, shattered her mind. So I would assume it will only be magic that can heal her. Did she not say she was in a group known as the arcane warrior’s maybe we can contact them?"

My fists tightened until my knuckles strained. I jumped up knocking my chair back. "More magic? Hasn't magic done enough damage to me and Hawke?" I hissed.

I did not mean to snap at Varric but I was sick of the damage magic had wrought upon us both. Why did magic have to be the answer? My breath was strained. Varric was holding his hands up in an effort to calm me. "Fenris, you know I am right."

Storming free of the hanged man. Raging I shoulder barged the first person who foolishly stood in my path. I heard them stagger to ground and slur, "Aye get back here."

I obliged as I was looking for a fight. This was the same man from before, he hadn't gone far and he was in no fit state to fight me. My rage was fading until he slurred, "I remember you. Remember your, pretty little friend too. Should have had her. When I had the chance.” Hawke wouldn’t be so desperate as to turn to this man. He was in a terrible state and he had to be mistaken. I turned my back upon him and he stammered, “Some kind of bird her name was. She was a mage. Should have let that stop me.”

In a blind fury, I spun around. This fool was purposely antagonizing me, for what reason I had no idea but his foul words earned him a solid cross to the jaw. It silenced him and gave me some small satisfaction. I watched him struggling upon the ground to recover himself. Dropping to my hunches I hissed, “Hawke wouldn’t waste her time with scum like you.”

He strained, “That was, her, name. She wanted it, bad. You mustn’t be satisfying her.”

This pathetic fool was intent upon getting a beating. Why else would he continue to speak? I took my foot to him stomach winding him. I hoped taking the wind out of his lungs would silence his vile mouth. Turning my back on him swiftly I stretched out my fingers as it had caused me some pain to hit him but the thud as he hit the ground had made me feel a little better. I had no time to listen to his lies. I had wasted enough time on this oaf. So I began the walk back to Hawke's and cast my mind to Varric's words. I knew he was right and it infuriated me that there was truth in his words. It felt like my choices were three evils and I had to decide which was the lesser of those evils.


End file.
